My prison guards are always telling me that if I want to eat for the week, I better find a job. Well I don’t like being dependent upon anyone, so I am putting my résumé here so that I can find work. I have faith that I will find a job in no time.
Emilita Isabella María Santina Anna Pinta Guadalupe Dominga Rodríguez Sánchez Scroogè Siders
Catscratchfeva2010eimsapgdrsss@gmail.com
Professional Summary
Hard-working professional who is confident and plays poorly with others. Gets the job done after sufficient nap time and does not take orders from others.
Skills
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Work History
Queen of the World 06/13/2010 to Present
Everywhere
- Be waited on hand and foot.
- Give orders
- Be worshiped
- Discipline employees
- Look beautiful
- Give wake-up calls
- Express my opinions in the most disdainful fashion
- Redecorate the world with my hair and hairballs
- Be worshiped again
Security: Night Watch 6/13/2012 to Present
My Prison
- Keep an ever watchful eye for intruders (i.e. mice, fox, chipmunks, and bears)
- Go on the kitchen counter while I am not being watched
- Destroy any intruder that might enter the prison
- Bring said intruders to the guards
- Kill and eat bugs
Security: Day Watch 06/13/2012 to Present
My Prison
- Observe wildlife
- Plot how to kill said wildlife
- Make said wildlife think we are friends
- Feed said wildlife to encourage their patronage
- Fall asleep
Gardener 06/13/2012 to Present
Backyard Garden
- Water plants
- Inspect daily
- Eat grass
- Grow pumpkins
Education
Bachelor of Hunts: Graduated in 2010 summa cum lete.
Affiliations
Humane Society of the United States
- Donated once
- Get free stuff all the time
Autumn Siders 