You don’t love me, do you?
I guess it’s not a surprise.
My heart changed it’s mind too,
It had no choice with all your lies.
Of all the things I thought were true,
It was one lie that was your demise.
Looking back I should have realized,
when you professed your love, it was for you.
The Martian of Casterbridge: A drunk man sells his wife and daughter to NASA. The wife and the daughter are then left on Mars to fend for themselves while the drunk man sobers up and takes a mistress. Unfortunately for him, his wife and daughter make it back from Mars to complicate matters.
All the Light in the Garden of Good and Evil: While a man in the deep south stands trial for the murder of a male prostitute, he helps a blind girl hide a stone with magical powers from the Nazis. After being acquitted, he reaches his untimely demise when accidentally entering a minefield.
Practical Stiffs: A family of witches is cursed in love and shunned by the townsfolk so they set out to escape their magic by researching all the different ways dead bodies are used for science. All works out well until they accidentally bring one of the bodies back to life.
Alice’s Adventures in Fight Club: After a young girl follows a white rabbit down a hole, she finds a bottle saying “drink me.” She does so and discovers a secret club, but due to the rules, she can’t talk about it. She does however, decide never to follow a rabbit again.
Warm Help: A young girl falls in love with a zombie who kidnaps her. Really he was trying to save her though. The two return to her home and he tries to prove his worth to the living. He is constantly shunned and treated terribly by the living. With the help of his zombie friends and a few supporters among the living, he fights for his equality and forms unlikely bonds as well as makes pie out of brains to give to the people who mistreat him.
La boca abierta
los oídos cerrados
siempre resultan en
la mente pequeña.
Nocturnal beings
we are not,
yet no matter
how we fear
that which
we cannot see,
somehow we
prefer to remain
in the dark.
I could feel his beady eyes watching my every move. Here he was, some piece of vermin thinking he could outwit me. I was not only the biggest cat in town, but the most dangerous and if there was one thing I absolutely did not tolerate, it was a rat.
I should have known not to trust this guy from day one. Thing is, around here, we look out for our own kind. It was surprising enough I suppose that he was willing to give up his family that easily, but times were rough for everyone and he kept food on the table for us, or rather under the table.
That night though, I was on the prowl.
“Al? I know you are in here.” My voice wailed through the abandoned shed. It may have seemed like I was the only one in here, but I knew all of Al’s hiding places. There was no hole in the wall in this town that he could hide in which I wouldn’t be able to find him. He must have known this when he decided to betray me. Without me, he never would have made any cheese. He would have been living a life of constant fear in absolute squalor. Well he might have enjoyed that last part.
Clink, Clink!
I turned quickly and got really low with my weapons drawn. I would have given anything to sink my claws into him at that moment. Then, I saw him as he scurried behind some boxes. I quietly positioned myself so there was no chance for him to escape. I had him cornered now. This felt like old times.
It was not long ago when we first met and were in the same position. I was about to go in for the kill when I heard this little pip-squeak.
“Wait, I can help you,” he sobbed. I stopped myself just in time.
“Carry on then, how can you help me?” I replied.
“I can tell you where everyone you are looking for is hiding. Where they live. When they will be there. Everything. Please, just spare my life.”
And so began the unlikely partnership that would now end just as it had started. Here we were again and this time I would not be so understanding.
“Any last words, Rat?”
“Please, just kill me. I am tired of this maze.” I raised my paw to strike and just then a bright light flickered on making my eyes adjust. Just as I saw my target tailing it out of there, I heard what no cat wants to hear,
“Come on Emilita, it’s time for bed. What are you doing out here anyway? If we go now, I can comb you before bed!”
And in one fell swoop, my life of crime had landed me right back in the slammer.
In honor of seeing Avenue Q today, I figured I would do another quick Broadway Mash-Up for you all.
Sweeney Todd’s RENT: A barber seeks revenge for his wrongful imprisonment by killing his customers and making pies out of their flesh. The plan seems to be working until he can no longer afford his rent and an AIDS epidemic sweeps London from serving the meat of those infected with the virus. He learns there is no place like London to live la vie bohème.
Beauty and the Grease: In a tale as old as time, a young girl is kidnapped by the most popular boy in school who will lose his popularity if he doesn’t make her fall in love with him before graduation. After he admits to her that he is a beauty school dropout, she realizes he is the one that she wants.
Kinky Waitress: When a pregnant waitress stuck in a small town and a loveless marriage inherits a failing shoe factory from her father, she decides to turn it into a pie production factory with the help of a drag queen. After a terrible fling with her doctor, she decides she has a history of wrong guys and makes the brave decision to take her baby and go back to London with the drag queen. She opens up her own pie shop there in a recently vacated bakery on Fleet Street.
It has always fascinated me how many idioms exist in the English language. It fascinates me even more that there are plenty of people out there who don’t know what half of them mean. Today, I invent my own idioms. I am sure they will catch on like wildfire!
-Add hot sauce to a wound: Make a situation worse. And that’s got to hurt worse than salt.
-Curiosity fueled the cat: Encouraging curiosity. Emilita made me change that one. She thinks this is more fitting to the personality of a cat. Also should we really be teaching people not to be curious? That’s boring.
-Off like a wedding dress: This one here means the opposite of it’s counterpart “off like a prom dress.” I mean have you ever tried to remove the average wedding dress? You might be able to have your honeymoon by your 1st anniversary.
-Break someone else’s leg: Have better luck than the other guy. Why would it ever be good luck to break your own leg?
-It’s not easy being green: I think I am going to be sick. Kermit felt this way after his break up with Miss Piggy.
-Going to Heaven in an Easter Basket: Things are looking up. Just make sure you have a bigger basket filled with chocolates.
Open wounds
filled with salt
hurt not at all
compared to
a broken heart.
It seems like every business is hiring right now. All the kids have gone back to school and now is the time if you want a shitty part time job to go for it. I thought I could post some help wanted ads here for any business that might like to use them. It can be tricky drafting the perfect ad to find the ideal candidate.
Help Wanted
Seeking help to write help wanted ads.
Delivery driver needed. Must have own vehicle and insurance. We promise delivery in 15 minutes or less, prior speeding tickets are a plus.
Newspaper in seaerch of anew editer.
Litchfield prison is hiring new CO’s. Must be experienced with pepper spray and refrain from raping inmates.
In need of cat-sitter. Must be able to lift 9 pounds, open can, and watch her sleep for 8 hours.
Experienced dog walker needed. When dog is not available you can walk me.
McDonald’s is hiring fry cooks. Responsibilities include cooking fries.
Septic services seeks a technician. The job stinks and the pay is shit.
So it is that time of year when all the kids are going back to school. I, thankfully, never have to partake in this ritual ever again, but a lot of my friends are teachers so I figured I would make them a back-to-school supply list to help them get ready for the new year. The thing is, I have become just as obsessed with Fear the Walking Dead as I am with The Walking Dead, so I decided to include some items that may be more useful if you are attending the fictional Paul Williams High of Fear the Walking Dead.
*FEAR THE WALKING DEAD SPOILERS AHEAD*
*Don’t actually bring any of these to school*
-A pocket knife that wouldn’t even serve as a letter opener: Okay, maybe this should not be included on the list since you shouldn’t bring it to school and it also proves to be worthless in knife to mouth combat with an actual zombie.
-Plenty of Oxy: You never know when that junkie family member will go into withdrawal. It always happens at the most inopportune times like the start of the end of the world and the day of your algebra exam.
-Fire extinguisher: It is always best to be safe and what better way to practice fire safety in school. It also comes in handy when the previously mentioned knife does not.
–Call of the Wild: There is no better way to learn about survival than from Jack London. Not only is this a great book, but it can teach you that when people tell you not to go out into the cold on your own, you probably shouldn’t. Also when they tell you not to go into the zombie hoard, you probably shouldn’t. (*You can bring this one to school*)
-Sharpie markers: Markers are great for making posters for projects and labeling your binders. They also serve as a great way to make temporary tattoos that look like a game of snake. It’s a great way to remember your dying boyfriend. (*Hey, look at that, you can bring these to school too*)
-Crow Bar: These work best for breaking into the school’s drug cabinet as well as for breaking into zombie heads. That is, if you remember to pick it up after you open the cabinet.
-Brown bag lunch: Little known fact, but “school food is made to survive like a nuclear explosion. It’s good until like year 3000.” Whether going to school or setting off into the apocalypse it might be best to just bring your own lunch. (*Also safe to bring to school*)
-Camcorder: This way you can film your lessons. You will never have to take notes again. Also you can document the apocalypse as it happens, or at least capture police brutality on film. (*Check with your school policy before bringing this one*)
Autumn Siders 