Month: January 2016

Dried Up

My thirst cannot be quenched

as I tip the canteen and wait

for a drop, perhaps the last,

that can not and will not satiate.

The well has run bone dry

and it seems there is no hope;

a drought is upon me and

my barren mind goes down slope.

The thought had occurred

that eventually the cup

would run out rather than over

and leave me, all dried up.

© Autumn Siders 2016

Well That’s Original

I finally saw the new Star Wars this weekend and was very impressed. I haven’t been to see a movie in a very long time and with no television I don’t really see trailers anymore. That being said, I had absolutely no idea what any of the other movies playing were. While it will probably take me another five years to go see another movie, I got very excited to see the previews for the sole reason of finding out what new movies would be out soon so that I could at least think about going to see one. I was very disappointed though as the previews began to roll and I realized that every single movie being advertised was a sequel, based on a book, or re-make. I thought I was back in the 90’s as Jeff Goldblum witnessed more aliens coming to earth. I have no idea which X-Men preview I saw, but I know that they have to save the world and become accepted as the mutants they are. Even the trailer for the 5th Wave brought no excitement as it is just another apocalyptic teenage drama where all the adults die. Even the movie I was going to see, while great, was another sequel.

I can take one thing away from this: Hollywood is in need of an original idea. I am here to help. Here are some great, completely original ideas, for all those screenwriters out there. You can take them for free, but if you do make a movie I think it’s only fair that I get 75% of whatever you make.

–Undercover: A lonely bookstore employee is forced to work the night shift when she witnesses a gruesome murder in the reference section as a panda eats, shoots, and leaves. Given that the local police can’t even find said bookstore, they are even less likely to believe the employee’s story. She sets off on her own to uncover the mystery and uncovers a deadly underground organization of hard-core grammarians who will stop at nothing to make sure the English language is not butchered.

–Not My Type: An elderly man decides to create an online dating profile to bring a little excitement into his life. His wife decides to do the same. At home all they do is bicker and state their constant disapprovals of each other, but online their love life flourishes. Unbeknownst to them, their online matches are actually each other. The two decide to meet IRL but he dies of a heart attack before they ever can. She finally feels free of her loveless marriage, but betrayed by the man she never met. Then she dies too.

–In Position: Always willing to try new things, a young woman decides to try every position in the Kama Sutra in a year. There is only one problem, she lacks a partner to try them with. She places an add to find suitable suitors but gets more than she bargained with when one of her responses comes from a soldier from the most elite special ops unit. In the middle of their “date,” he gets called away on a mission, but nothing will stand in the way of hers.

You’re welcome, Hollywood.

 

Kittens These Days

Kittens these days, they don’t know how easy they’ve got it.

Back when I was just a little kitten, people needed can openers to get into my dinner. Now these people just pull off a cover and it still takes them too long to get my meal ready.

Back in my day, we caught real mice. And we ate them too. Now these kittens seem content with catching a bright pink stuffed creation that hardly resembles a rodent. That stuffing is a little dry when you try to eat it.

Back in my day we chased and ate bugs to our heart’s content. We didn’t chase a little red dot that doesn’t taste like anything. I swear that thing is from the devil anyway.

Back in my day, the cat nip epidemic was nowhere near as bad as today. Sometimes we had it, sometimes we didn’t, but we sure as hell didn’t infuse every one of our belongings with it.

Back in my day we had to walk all the way to the food dish and back to the bed. Uphill both ways. Now it’s breakfast in bed. Wait, maybe that’s just me but I tell you what, kittens, you reach the wise age of 5 and then we will talk.

KOD

I have often wondered

how the kiss of death

got its name.

Perhaps it stems from

some low-level demon

playing a game.

But now I can see

quite clearly whence

this moniker came.

I am looking right at

this low-level demon

who bears your name.

© Autumn Siders 2016

Side Effects

In my attempt to make good on one of my New Year’s resolutions, I have taken steps to ending my cough. That’s right, I have started a new medication that with any luck should put an end to my suffering. Or so I thought…here are some common side effects that can occur while taking this medication.

-Fever: Well I already feel like I have one most days, but hey at least it will keep me warm through the winter.

-Headache: My brain rattles so much from coughing now. Where is the harm in a little more pain?

-Sore Throat: Well I have been coughing for four months, I think my throat is already pretty sore.

-Cough:?

-Earache: Another reason I am taking this medication.

-Runny Nose: Good thing I have a good pair of running shoes to catch it.

Let’s move on to the more serious side effects:

– Behavior and Mood-Related Changes: I am counting on my loyal blog followers to tell me if I am acting weird. If I start talking about a boyfriend, or voting for Donald Trump, or that I have found Jesus, please tell my healthcare provider right away.

-Agitation/Irritability: I will try not to act like a human being.

-Memory Problems: What are we talking about?

-Suicidal Thoughts and actions (including suicide): Glad they cleared that up, I wasn’t sure if suicide counted as a suicidal action. I think I am in the clear on that one.

Hallucinations (Seeing or Hearing Things that Are Not Really there): I live in a haunted house…or do I?

All in all I think this little pill is going to be worth it, but I guess we find out for sure when I am either coughing or not a month from now.

#tbt

I stumbled across my old iPod from college just the other day. I happened to click on to the Top 25 Most Played list and was instantly transported back six years. Some of those 25 are probably still on my most played list, but it is amazing how a simple song can bring you right back to a time, a place, or a person.

As I listened to When You Were Young by The Killers, I felt as if I could still play the whole song on guitar hero by heart. Just hearing the first few piano chords of Take Me or Leave Me from RENT helps sum up the whole four years I spent doing just that with the only person I have ever truly loved. Something always does bring me back to crazy car rides with that one person who I couldn’t stay in another moment of her gravity. We had two headlights, but with every listen of One Headlight by The Wallflowers, I remember driving somewhere, anywhere, nowhere, with two of my best friends. The southern twang of Jennifer Nettles singing Want To reminds me of that crazy dream I had to sing…still haven’t figured out how to do that in tune. I remember being a stupid freshman who scheduled a class at 8am but was okay with Puedes contar conmigo by La oreja de Van Gogh playing in my ears as I enjoyed a very empty campus on my cold walk to class.

Music has always been an important part of my life. Would I have any of these memories if music weren’t associated with them? I don’t know. I would like to think that I would, but they just wouldn’t be as vivid in my mind’s eye. Either way, I am grateful for music for preserving so many important memories in my brain and I look forward to looking back on my current playlist in the future.

Pubic Alerted to Rash of Car Break-Ins

The community is in a sticky situation tonight after several break-ins have been reported. While there is cause for alarm, the authorities are saying that they are close to containing the culprit responsible for this. The pubic was first alerted of the rash after a thief was seen breaking into a car with his tool. Shortly thereafter, the owner of the car was the first to notice the situation.

“Well, I caught the guy in the act and he discharged his weapon at me so I ran back to the house. I knew something was not right,” says local Willy Peters.

More than 5 cars have been burgled in the neighborhood. Police Chief Dick Hed says, “I don’t know how long this guy thinks he can keep it up, but we will have him in handcuffs soon.”

The police department urges all residents to use protection, lock your cars, and keep your pants on at all times.

Among the items catalogued as stolen from neighborhood vehicles are antibiotics, condoms, anti-itch cream, and a pack of gum.

If you have any information please contact Penny Beaver at police dispatch 555-6969.

I Was Thinking…

Do you ever have those random thoughts? In the shower? In the car? While you have been trying to fall asleep for three hours? I seem to think about the strangest things at the most inconvenient times and I can’t be the only one. Here are some of my random thoughts that I am sure have crossed someone else’s mind a time or two.

-Why is DC Comics called DC Comics? DC stands for Detective Comics so now it is Detective Comics Comics.

-Did someone fall off a cliff to propagate the rumor that the earth was flat or were people really that stupid?

-Is the earth really round or are we that gullible?

-Does my cat laugh at me behind my back or am I just hearing voices?

-Why is it that one needs a new phone every year or sooner since it breaks but I am still playing a record from 1963 that works perfectly fine?

-Do you think on Judgment Day we all lose points for every one of Keanu Reeves’ movies we ever watched?

-Is Betty White, God?

-What if gluten-free is the new tobacco?