Author: Autumn

Jobs that Need to Exist if They Don’t Already

Times are rough, but when aren’t they? It’s hard to tell what is going on with the employment rates because if you are a republican only illegal immigrants are working and if you are a democrat then everyone has a job! I know the truth though, there are still plenty of people, illegal and legal both, who are in need of work. I am here to help. Here are some great jobs that need to exist if they don’t already. Find one that works for you and get workin’!

-Personal Social Media Editor: Auto-correct is just not enough for some people and we all want to express ourselves clearly. There is nothing worse than hitting “post” and realizing that you just insulted every race, gender, and sexual orientation when all you were trying to say is that Hitler wasn’t that bad of an artist.

-Professional Board Game Clean Up: You finish a game of Monopoly and realize that all of that money has to go back in the right order, the houses and the hotels, chance and community chest are everywhere. It is quite possible the clean up could be longer than the game. Call your professional clean up crew though and you will be done in no time.

-Christmas Light and General Cable Detangler: Enough said, right? You could freelance for Rapunzel too.

-Personal Secretary to Handle Telemarketers: See a number you don’t recognize? Hit ignore and it gets routed to a professional who will swindle the telemarketer. This is a great job for former telemarketers.

-Guitar Hero Band: Make a band with your buddies and invite all the world to see you play Guitar Hero! You will be a superstar in no time.

-Superhero Outfit Designer: Don’t superheroes have enough to deal with without having to worry about what they look like and how they are going to get their outfits without everyone knowing who they are? This discreet service would offer speedy delivery, wrinkle-free and stain proof material and quick repair to any damaged articles.

-Animal Crossing Guard: Children get a crossing guard and they are taught from a young age to look both ways before crossing. Who knows what kind of an education these young animals are getting from their parents? They could have been raised by wolves for all we know.

 

When You Love Animals More than People

I have known for a while that my love for animals runs far deeper than my love for humans, but here are some great ways to tell if you too are animal lover before humanitarian.

-You will slam on your brakes, veer off the road, crash into a tree, or cause a 10 car pile up to avoid hitting a squirrel crossing the street, yet you will swear, yell, gun the engine, and actually swerve towards a pedestrian trying to cross outside of the crosswalk.

-You shout bon voyage to a flock of geese and wish them well on their trip south and then celebrate that this means the tourists will be leaving your town as well.

-You can hold a three hour long conversation with a dog but you use the self-checkout at the store so you don’t even have to say “hello” to the cashier.

-Here is your grocery list: cat food, cat litter, your best friend’s birthday present. Here is what you actually buy: cat food, cat litter, catnip, new cat toy, cat bed, water fountain for cat, more cat food, cat condo….am I forgetting something?

-Your idea of a good time is going to the animal shelter and playing with every animal there while making a game out of avoiding the volunteers and staff.

-When you are watching a horror film you cry profusely and cover your eyes when an animal comes on screen knowing that they may not make it but when the human is savagely ripped apart by the zombies and their organs are scattered about you think cool.

-When everyone else is sharing pictures of their children and boasting that little Timmy could be a rocket scientist and you whip out an album of your cat sleeping in 65 different ways and tell them how she can catch a mouse all on her own.

-You’ve actually held up traffic by stopping to talk to a deer on the side of the road. Even the deer thinks you’re weird.

 

Cats Don’t Do Change

Change is good they say

as they re-arrange their way.

Move this here and put that there,

they think a cat can sleep just anywhere?

And as the final piece falls into place

and what once was has no trace,

they admire their work with pride

but all I see, are eight new places to hide.

© Autumn and Emilita Siders 2015

Happy Hubris

Today, the band I am in will be marching in a gay pride parade in Worcester, MA. While I am proud to be a member of this band, and I love playing music, I have to say that I have mixed feelings about the parades in which we play. I have always seen gay pride parades as a way that actually hinders the way that “us gays” our viewed by society. Now, most of the parades we have played in have been a tad more on the conservative side of things and there have been a lot of great organizations, businesses, and bands marching alongside of us, but the stereotypical pride parades have been known for half naked men dancing on floats. While I think it is great that people are coming out (pun intended) to say that they are not ashamed of who they are, I have never been able to understand why we are throwing a parade to celebrate with whom we are having sex. I have never thought to myself “wow I am so proud that I sleep with women!” Okay, well maybe that one time, but she would make anyone proud.

I just think that there are so many other things in life to be proud of than one’s sexual orientation. It seems that for being a “culture” that is constantly struggling to say that we are equal, that we are humans, that we have rights, we might be going a little overboard throwing parades in our honor. If there is going to be a pride parade, it should happen the day that people can stop labeling others and just be proud of being. Besides, I don’t even like rainbows. So here are a few things that I will be proud of tomorrow that don’t include who is in bed next to me…well one includes my cat, but in all fairness she does take up the entire bed so she is not really next to me.

-I am proud of never having succumb to peer pressure. (Watching the Walking Dead doesn’t count, I would have watched it anyway.)

-I am proud of my cat for being the world’s most ferocious hunter. (How could you not be proud of that mouse dangling from her jaws?)

-I am proud of my mom who never stops no matter what obstacles are in her way. (Unless it’s a mouse dangling from a cat’s jaws.)

-I am proud of the time I stood up for my friend on the playground and ended up looking like Bruce Lee from Enter the Dragon.

-I am proud of filling a stranger’s tank at the gas station. (Probably should have filled my tank too, but I guess I got caught up in the moment.)

-I am proud of giving the money back when I didn’t deserve it, even though I could use it. (ssshhhhh! He doesn’t know that it came from me.)

-I am proud that I am a shoulder to lean on for a friend in need. (And have a few friends with shoulders of their own.)

-I am proud that I am a woman. (Need I say more?)

-I am proud to rescue animals in need. (And be rescued right back.)

Your Weapon of Choice

If looks could kill,

I would most certainly be dead.

Those eyes pierce me deeper

than any sword ever did

and my soul is ripped from my body

leaving a stain that is dark blood red.

The empty vessel that remains

then falls to the floor

a heap of dead tissue

that my resemblance it once bore

and you walk away with

not an ounce of guilt,

for all you did was stare,

your fingerprints aren’t on the hilt.

© Autumn Siders 2015

#tbt

You don’t love me, do you?

I guess it’s not a surprise.

My heart changed it’s mind too,

It had no choice with all your lies.

Of all the things I thought were true,

It was one lie that was your demise.

Looking back I should have realized,

when you professed your love, it was for you.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Bestseller Mash-Up Round 5

The Martian of Casterbridge: A drunk man sells his wife and daughter to NASA. The wife and the daughter are then left on Mars to fend for themselves while the drunk man sobers up and takes a mistress. Unfortunately for him, his wife and daughter make it back from Mars to complicate matters.

All the Light in the Garden of Good and Evil: While a man in the deep south stands trial for the murder of a male prostitute, he helps a blind girl hide a stone with magical powers from the Nazis. After being acquitted, he reaches his untimely demise when accidentally entering a minefield.

Practical Stiffs: A family of witches is cursed in love and shunned by the townsfolk so they set out to escape their magic by researching all the different ways dead bodies are used for science. All works out well until they accidentally bring one of the bodies back to life.

Alice’s Adventures in Fight Club: After a young girl follows a white rabbit down a hole, she finds a bottle saying “drink me.” She does so and discovers a secret club, but due to the rules, she can’t talk about it. She does however, decide never to follow a rabbit again.

Warm Help: A young girl falls in love with a zombie who kidnaps her. Really he was trying to save her though. The two return to her home and he tries to prove his worth to the living. He is constantly shunned and treated terribly by the living. With the help of his zombie friends and a few supporters among the living, he fights for his equality and forms unlikely bonds as well as makes pie out of brains to give to the people who mistreat him.