But What Does it Mean?

When I tell people I was an English major, their first response is, “oh, so you want to teach?” When I reply in the negative, the next response is a look of bewilderment and a slow head nod leading to a tentative, “so what do you want to do with that?” The truth is, I never even wanted to go to college and I have no desire to limit my potential opportunities to one thing that I studied for four years. In my opinion, the only thing that English can teach you is how to think for yourself. You can master a language and use words as your tools, your weapons, your shield. You can go back in time, jump into the future, and hide within your own time period. To me, other than with the use of grammar, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to the English language and the art that stems from that. The thing I dislike most about English classes is that often times, teachers try to tell you that there is a right or a wrong answer. Well two people can read the same line of text and have two completely different ideas on what that means. As someone who has shared her work with others, yeah I can tell you what I meant when I wrote it, but I don’t care if you love it, hate it, or take something completely different from it, as long as you experience something. For anyone out there though who needs the safety net of right and wrong, I will dissect this poem for you so as there is no confusion.

1.Nature and all her beauty,

2.got nothin’ on your booty;

3.golden and perfectly rounded,

4.I find myself constantly astounded.

5.Lost at sea, or lost in my mind,

6.you are my north star, my compass,

7.lighting my way, leading the blind,

8.who wouldn’t come home to that ass.

Line 1: So here I discuss the beauty of nature, it’s great, it’s grand, nothing can compare…or can it?

Line 2: So here it is something that can compare to nature’s beauty. Booty, you know, pirate’s treasure, stop having such a dirty mind!

Line 3: gold coins, they are golden, they are round, they look good in tight pants.

Line 4: Wow!!

Line 5: I really don’t like water so I think if I were ever on the sea I would be lost for sure. Also, it goes back to the whole pirate thing and hey most pirates are lost in the mind if you know what I mean.

Line 6: What drives them on? More booty!!!! ARRR and they use compasses.

Line 7: Gold is shiny, although I did use some poetic license there, not sure the blind can see gold, but maybe the morally blind can, yeah, that’s what I meant.

Line 8: There’s a donkey at home. Okay, maybe it was a poem about a nice ass.

© Autumn Siders 2015

#tbt

One night while passing a laundry mat, my friends and I spotted a girl sitting in the dryer. This poem is the result of that.

To the girl who sat in the dryer March 10, 2014

We spotted you through the window that night,

A gentle spin we took to look twice.

Questions tumbled through our minds,

“Is she drying her pants? They look nice.”

You sat with your phone and pondered the screen.

Perhaps she needs to vent, or she didn’t see the seat.

This could be a delicate situation, we think,

At least it’s the bottom; sitting in the top would be a feat.

If we asked her the problem, would she come clean?

Could we provide any help she might require?

Or maybe she just found the warmest seat in the place?

Here’s to proving normal is just a setting on the dryer!

Reasons Why I Am Gay…’Cause It’s a Choice

Since we all know that being gay is a choice, I figured I would give some reasons and explanations for anyone thinking about choosing that lifestyle. See if it’s right for you!

-I never knew my father, so I was most likely raised to hate men.

-I was encouraged to choose my own religion as a child but opted out, what better way to stick it to the Man then by practicing homosexuality.

-One time, my bill at the grocery store came out to $6.66 and I thought, “this must be a sign from Lucifer, I must choose the dark path.”

-Men’s clothing is so much more comfortable and we all know once you dress like the opposite sex there is really no option to be straight.

-If it’s between basketball and barbies…well of course basketball wins.

-Well all my friends are gay, I just wanted to fit in!

-I decided that since I am a woman and don’t deserve equal rights, why not go all the way and take away whatever rights I had left.

-I did sneeze one time and no one said “bless you,” I guess the evil spirits entered my soul then.

-I was so worried about over population that I thought best to choose the path that not breed new life, but then I found out about a turkey baster and realized that was a moot point.

-I kissed a girl…I did like it, but not so much the cherry chapstick.

-Let’s just say, there comes a time when you have to choose to have a life with orgasms or a life faking them.

-The final deciding factor, I like rainbows.

Bestseller Mash-Up Round 3

Carrie Eyre: A young governess falls for the father of the children she teaches but is in for a rude awakening when his crazy wife drops pigs blood on her at prom which causes her to go crazy as well.

Harry Quixote: A young boy discovers he may have magical abilities and sets off to a school for wizards. On the way he battles windmills and falls for bar wenches that he sees as royalty. Or maybe that doesn’t happen, who knows?

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dracula: A young girl vampire faces the usual struggles of growing up by dealing with friends, family, avoiding sunlight, eternal life, and that pesky problem of getting your period when you are a vampire.

Lolita’s Web: In order to protect her pedophilic stepfather, a young girl leaves messages as they travel around the country. The messages include, “Terrific,” “Humble,” “Radiant,” and “Some Pig.” The last of the words being the most truthful.

Tuck & Juliet: Two star-crossed lovers do their best to stay together when their warring families pull them apart. Being immortal, the boy thinks it best to fake their deaths, but doesn’t account for the fact that his love will actually die while he lives.

Why It’s Good to Be Single

I have reached that point in life where most of my friends are getting married, having kids, and settling down. While I am happy for all of them if this is what they actually want, I can’t imagine ever doing this for myself. I have been in a long term relationship and understand why this makes people happy. There are certainly some advantages to sharing your life with someone special, but there are just some spirits out there that need to remain free. While I do appreciate the good times I spent with my ex, I know that a commitment like that is not something I am looking for now. For all of the other single ladies and gents out there who may be desperately seeking that special connection, here are some reasons why you may just want to stay single as long as you can.

Whatever money you make is all yours. No taking your significant other out to dinner or buying little gifts to show your appreciation. My grandfather, I am told, used to sing a song, “when I was single, my pockets would jingle.” I think he had a point there.

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want to. Yes, if you find the right person they usually have no problem with you keeping your own interests, but in every relationship there comes a time when you stop saying “I” and start saying “we.”

Admit it, you have at least one bad habit or quirky act that you like to hide from the world. Maybe you are gross and wear the same underwear two days in a row, maybe you like porn, maybe you like to dress your dog up for tea parties. You have something that you would have to hide from a significant other. Being single means no lies! Even worse than lying, you could share that secret with your partner and be judged. The only judgment that flies for the single person is his or her own judgement!

Cuddling is nice. You know what’s nicer? Having the whole bed to yourself! I guess this perk doesn’t apply though if you have a dog or cat.

It may be true, there could be one person meant for you out there. Your soul mate may exist, but that isn’t going to stop you from being attracted to that gorgeous brunette with the killer legs. I would never cheat on someone I was committed to, but being single takes that out of the equation. You never have to say “no.” Unless she has a weird rash, then just say “no.”

Finally, being single is the best way to get to know yourself. I have known people that jump from relationship to relationship and I always wonder if they just can’t stand being alone with themselves. Any relationship will fall apart if you don’t know who you are and where you stand. You may feel confident and think you know who you are, but the more time you spend with yourself, the more you will figure out where you stand in the world. I am not saying you should stay single forever, but you should work on getting to know you before getting to know someone else. Who knows, you could be really great!

I Lost My Number, Can I Have Yours?

Do you have trouble finding a date? Don’t know what to say to that special someone? Are you wondering how to break the ice? Well here are some really great pick-up lines from a single 20-something who lives with her mother, cat and bird. I promise, they work!

Are you an animal lover? Great, cause I am an animal in the bedroom!

You look familiar…oh, I know, I’ve seen you in my dreams.

Do you have the time? Oh, good I am early I am supposed to meet the girl of my dreams here at (insert time shortly after time given).

She sells sea shells by the sea shore, see I am really good with my tongue. (You should probably make sure you can actually say this or whatever tongue twister you choose)

Hey, do you have any food allergies? Just want to make sure your breakfast tomorrow is perfect.

I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, so let me show you how much I like you, your place or mine?

Do you like music? ‘Cause you’ve really struck a chord with me.

3.14159265359 I could go on all night, but I would much rather memorize your number.

I’d write you a poem, but words could never do you justice.

I think the GPS on my phone is broken, could you give me directions to your heart?

You look good in those tight pants, but the only problem is you left no room for me.

These are all guaranteed to work and if they don’t the fault must be in your delivery.

#tbt

One succumbs to death

as one would succumb to sleep.

The child screams and fights

not quite ready to slumber yet.

Out all night the teen

still puts up a fight.

Then, without warning or right

Sleep sneaks in every night.

Before you know it

your eyes are closed tight.

Webster

Sara Bareilles is very wise in saying “I still count on one hand the number of good men I know.” Well Sara, I can count on one shop teacher’s hand the number of good men I know and two of those men are animals. It’s not that I am one of those man-hating women, I get along just fine with men. The problem is that many men and women lack the ability to be humble. There is one man I know though who humble, intelligent, and never complains about a thing. This man, is my bird Webster.

Webster came to live with us many years ago and the way we found him was quite incredible. My family and I were on our way out for the evening when we noticed something in the road outside our house. My mom stopped the van and when my brother and I jumped out, we realized that this “something” was really a bird. Now normally a bird in the street is not an unnatural thing, but when that bird is a cockatiel, that changes the story a bit. We figured there was no way we were going to be able to wrangle this beautiful yellow bird to safety and just as we tried to pick him up, he jumped right up on my brother’s finger. We brought him in the house and he spent his first night with us in a cat carrier. From the very beginning, we knew he was a special bird.

Now, Webster has been through so much with us. He has had some hardships of his own and through it all, he always has a smile on his face. He has known three different cats and five different fish and he has loved all of them. Even now when his cat seems to be first on the totem pole and he is often last, he is always patient and always kind. He knows that he will be taken care of and that if someone else needs the attention first, then he can handle getting the attention last.

Webster can ring the bell in his cage like no other, has the ability to say “kitty, kitty, kitty” and “I love you,” and is quite handsome, but the most amazing thing about Webster is that he is a kind soul. I can chat with him for just a little while and I am immediately calmed by his presence. Yes, he is a bird and I know there are many people out there who might disagree with me, but it doesn’t matter what body your soul may reside in but it does matter how your soul resides in the world.

My Hero

She didn’t give me her eyes,

but somehow we see the world the same way.

There are so many other gifts,

She gave to me that I appreciate every day.

She shows me courage,

and taught me not to care what others say.

She shows me strength,

and possesses a beauty that will never decay.

I may be biased,

but my feelings I can’t betray.

She is mother and my hero,

and my eyes will always see her this way.

Show Smash-Up

American Dynasty: A group of contestants competes each week to see who has the best duck call while a panel of judges gives feedback that doesn’t even matter since America gets to vote for the winner.

Everybody Loves the Walking Dead: After an apocalypse that causes the dead to rise, an Italian man must protect his wife, kids, brother, and parents while his pestering mother interferes in every aspect of his life.

Game of Cheers: On the continent of Westeros, at a bar where everyone knows your name, a bartender helps his patrons with difficult life decisions such as relationships, war, and whether or not to sleep with your sister.

Breaking the Bell: In order to secure his family finances after being diagnosed with cancer, a high school principal takes to becoming a drug dealer while dealing with a troublesome teen who is always up to some scheme.

Chasing Dexter: A young quick witted journalist finds out she has cancer and decides to do something valuable with her time left and become a vigilante killer.