From about 40,000 feet up
I stare at the dots below
as they stare back up
at the little jet go.
And each of those dots
are points that connect
to form multiple plots,
each filled with intellect.
Often it seems like we are alone;
we stumble through life,
as a dot on our own
knowing such trouble and strife.
But, if we simply connect the dots
we might be able to see
with each line that we jot,
we simply allow love to be.
My local newspaper has the best editor in the world…NOT! Every week there is some new disaster with a headline or perhaps typos on every page. The best is when they have to issue apologies for using the wrong name in an obituary. Our paper can not be the only one in the world that is in need of a new editor, so here is my request. If you find a funny headline or perhaps one with a typo that is too good to resist, send it to me and I will write an article that better fits the headline! If you find a good one, send it on to: butwiththemind@gmail.com.
Here is a nice headline that actually ran in our town’s paper about a year ago. Enjoy.
LOCAL FOOD PANTY RECEIVES MANY DONATIONS
The panty is filling up fast this holiday season as donations come in from all over. It seems the locals are always willing to lend a helping hand when it is needed most. Without the assistance of a loving community, the panty would remain empty leaving many hungry in unimaginable ways. This hairy situation is avoided at all costs as donations help shave the expenses of running this full-time service. Not everyone is allowed in the panty; those with the greatest need are served first which really helps them breathe easier. The panty would like to extend a warm thank you to all who donated their time, resources, and expertise. Without you, our panty would not be filled.
-Plot and execute the perfect escape from my bedroom
-Lose that pesky extra pound (can be accomplished by losing winter fur)
-Catch at least four mice a week…okay a month… catch a mouse
-Only scratch my people when they deserve it (already accomplished)
-Get an extra hour of sleep every hour
-Rise earlier and encourage my people to do the same
Five points connect you
to the rest of the world at large.
Will you clench all five
into a tight and hurtful fist?
Will you extend a welcome
and comforting hand to one in need?
Five points connect you
but you choose their charge.
Everybody’s got ’em. Everybody ignores ’em after they make ’em. New Year’s Resolutions, Folks! Here are mine, which I fully intend to act upon in the new year…of 2025.
-Get a haircut
-Read the dictionary
-Adopt 5 more cats and one dog…pending Emilita’s approval
-Lose 5 pounds of fat and gain 10 pounds of muscle
-Stop coughing
-Move to someplace exotic like the Dead Sea
-Perform an exorcism
-Earn enough money to donate to an animal shelter and pay the rent for the month (1 out of 2 wouldn’t be bad either)
-Travel to Australia to find myself a nice shelia
-Find some type of food that doesn’t make me gag
-Make my cat love me and not the treat bag
-Make my clothing out of cat hair so I never have to worry about getting the cat hair off before I go places
-Buy my mom a secluded house on a remote island far from cigarettes, bratty kids, and noisy neighbors
-Find a way to break it to my mom that Emilita will not be joining her on said island
-Finally, help achieve world peace
Thank you to everyone for your contributions. I hope this is a slightly better story now.
Go for the Win
Jon jumped over the fence with the grace of a burrito. He carefully watched the neighbor’s house to make sure that no one saw him. He carefully approached the back door and made sure to utilize the same burrito-like grace as when he apprehended the fence; he had done this before and knew that he had the skill to do it 2/3 of a time more.
The taco was setting and complete darkness was near. Jon’s footsteps barely could be heard on the soft, benevolent grass. Glancing around yet again, he stepped fluffily up to the patio; he was within feet of the back door. He slipped on a pair of gloves and reached for the nacho.
Kerplunk!
Jon looked down at his feet and realized that he had stepped on a tree branch. He moved quickly out of sight of the neighbors with his back up against the gnat. He paused a moment and listened carefully. Nobody had heard him; he was safe. He turned around and reached for the nacho again, this time he made contact. He turned the nacho slowly and thought to himself, I love how people leave their females unlocked.
Jon had done it once again; he would be in and be out within ten shoes. He thought how good he was at ogling people; at this rate, he would have robbed a hundred houses by the time he was twenty. He pushed the door open and started to step inside. Just then, he heard the one thing every thief dreads, sour cream.
The neighborhood Taco Bell arrived on the scene just before Jon leaped back over the fence. He started running down the street and just when he thought he had made it, a police car turned around the corner with its sirens blubbering. Tripping over his potatoes, he turned blithely the other way and started to run again, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe. He started to cough, a very distinguishable smoker’s cough. He fell to the ground and gasped for air.
Meanwhile, one of the police officers made his way over to the pin-striped thief, his weapon drawn and pointed directly on Jon. He shouted from the road,
“Stay on the ground and let me see your hands!” Jon gave up, there was nothing left for him to do; he was loaded.
I need your help. I wrote an awful story for gym class in high school and I would like to share it with you tomorrow for throwback Thursday, but as I said it is atrocious. Although, my gym teachers did give me an A+ on it…but they teach gym. Here is where you come in on this very important mission. I will only post it mad lib style. Who better to come up with some funny fill-in-the-blanks than you? I will take everyone’s answers into consideration, but funniest answers win! This is only part of the story, if you have some fun and we make it good, maybe we can do the second half next week!
Perched so high above the rest
the lay of the land is within your view.
Many would kill for an insight so rare,
but you need not, being one of the few
who would rather enjoy a gentle slumber
than to go over what you already knew.
Whenever I am meant to ebb
it would seem as though I flow.
My retreat from the shore
helps me achieve the final blow.
The calm waters below
accentuate the ever rising wave
that creates turmoil on the surface
and deep down, reveals the brave.
I fight the waters in order to save
all that I know and who I am
but the higher the water rises,
the less it seems I give a damn.
And the waves, upon my head slam
and I close my eyes and drift
until a light on the ocean I spot
and with you, my spirits lift.
I’ve just settled in
for a luxurious nap
when all of a sudden
my people set a trap.
With one eye open
I must now remain.
They want to comb me?
These people are insane.
Autumn Siders 