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A Night at the Meovies

Much like a human’s inability to hear the proper lyrics to songs, they also seem to lack the ability to get some of the most infamous movie lines right. Here they are for your reference.

Life is like a box of catnip. You never know if you are going to jump off the walls or sleep for five days.

You know how to whistle, don’t you? Well you’re a cat so I guess you can’t.

I love the smell of tuna fish in the morning.

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I have poop stuck on my butt?” Well, do ya, punk?

There’s no crying in mouse hunting!

Something to Say

Some combination of words

written on a blank slate

can move a single being

in an unexpected way.

A writer searches within

for the right words

that are needed for

the message he must convey.

That search can last forever

and that slate could remain blank

for the writer’s greatest fear,

what if he has nothing to say?

© Autumn Siders 2015

#tbt

A childhood memory…

I am four, maybe five. I stay up all night with my older brother watching Child’s Play. I beg him to let me watch with him. The only reason he lets me watch is because he is too scared to watch by himself. We stay up all night and watch the murderous doll kill time after time until the sun shows it’s face and the real action begins.

My brother is being too nice.

“We should go downstairs and hunt for Chucky,” he says. He never wants to play with me. His motives are suspect, but I agree. We arm ourselves with two wiffle ball bats and proceed to the basement. He stays back as I plow forward, checking in every shadow and prepare to defend myself at all costs.

We enter the room filled with the toy kitchen set that includes a stove and a refrigerator. I pull the oven open and back away quickly ready to swing at anything that might jump out at me. Nothing happens. I open the fridge and repeat. Nothing happens. I have one option left. I tighten my grip on the bat and prepare myself for what would seem like a bases-loaded bottom of the ninth situation. I yank the freezer door open and out pops Chucky. I swing and he lands on the floor at my brother’s feet. I race over and beat the doll until his eye pops out but I don’t stop knowing that I am saving my brother until finally a laugh brings me out of my rage.

I look up and discover it is my brother’s laugh and the doll at his feet is not Chucky, but one from my own collection that much like the kitchen set, has never been used. I am ready to take the bat to my brother but realize, given the chance, I would pull the same prank on him. The end result though, would be him running out of the room screaming.

Joke’s on you, Bro.

Make Fetch Happen

Times they are a-changin’ and with that change, our speech could use a little upgrading. Here are some popular phrases that I would like to see replaced with some more current terminology, or at least made a little funnier.

“You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” → “You look as if you’ve seen a Kardashian without makeup.” So…scared…right…now.

“When it rains, it pours.” → “When you drop your tampon in the toilet, it’s always the last one.” Ladies, am I right? Gents, you can replace this with condom if you need to understand the pain felt by this loss.

“Like stealing candy from a baby.” → “Like taking an iPad from a baby.” I never understood this one anyway, that seems pretty hard.

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” → “Colder than Tituba’s tit.” Okay so this one may not be all that new to the times, but it would at least be fun to say.

“Take the high road.” → “Don’t be Anakin.” Just thought I would throw that one into the mix in honor of the new, hopefully better, Star Wars.