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Bestseller Mash-Up Round 6: Political Edition

Hard Witches: An influential presidential candidate shares her perspective of her time as US Secretary of State and infuses it with the rich and terrible history of how witches used personal email servers when communing with the Devil.

Crippled Pacific: A wealthy businessman and contender in the race for president explains how not only is America crippled, but also the waters to her west. Exploring the watery history from the 1950’s forward, he proposes a way to rebuild the nation and the waters by building skyscrapers in the ocean.

Yes, A More Perfect Union, Please: A neurosurgeon turned politician explains the constitution while complaining how boring it is to write. Imagine how boring it must have been for the founding fathers…

The Essential Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up: A Vision for America: A senator from Vermont discusses his plan for tidying up America if he gets into the Oval Office. It includes a lot of feng shui.

The Mindfulness Immigration Wars Coloring Book: A former governor of Florida shares his ideas on immigration. The book comes complete with pictures to color as a way to de-stress from whatever infuriating statement of his that you have just read.

How to Be Arrested for Murder

I feel like I am overly qualified in this matter after my extensive research of days spent watching crime dramas. No matter what the show is, there seem to be a few sure fire ways to end up on a list of suspects. So whether you want to avoid being on that list, or really want a tour of the police station, use these tips at your own discretion.

-Have a really loud argument with the victim. Don’t know who the victim will be? Just argue with everyone! No matter how big or how small the issue, make it loud and make it noticed and you will be sure to be the very first person they call into the interrogation room.

-Smoke ’em if you got ’em! Smoke in every dark place and low-traffic area. Outside the bar in the alley, in that secret corner of the park, right under the window of the girl you stalk. Make sure you leave your DNA in clear view for those detectives. If you feel strongly against smoking, then at least spit out your gum.

-Location, location, location. Live in the rough part of town. There are plenty of respectable people living in these areas and you could be one of them. But, if you really want to be brought in on any charges you need to live in the most dangerous part of town.

-Have a dirty secret. You need to have one thing that you wouldn’t want to share with anybody so that you can’t tell your true alibi at first. Maybe you are having an affair, maybe you have a secret club that is a mix of Dungeons & Dragons and 50 Shades of Grey. Either way, make it very embarrassing.

-Finally, if you need to pull out the big guns, make sure your vehicle is stolen. Whatever you do though, do not report it. Also make sure that it happens right before the crime is committed. It doesn’t help if it happens after!

Good luck to you!

Black Cat

Why is it that

people think I am unlucky?

The superstitions

are getting a little old.

Black cats are beautiful

black cats are bold.

Setting the record straight,

we aren’t responsible

for these misfortunes

that you hold.

You are your own

cause of bad luck

so leave us alone.

© Autumn and Emilita Siders 2015

Howlloween

Drip, Drip, Drip…

The sound filled Xavier’s head as he slowly woke to find himself on the ground in his backyard. The closer he came back into reality, the more his body filled with dread. He opened his eyes and instantly his head ached like nothing he had ever felt before. He shut his eyes quickly and welcomed the darkness yet again. He dared not move knowing that if just opening his eyes hurt that badly, he most likely wouldn’t want to try anything drastic like standing.

The dripping, more ominous than just a leaky faucet, served a constant reminder that whatever terrible thing had put Xavier in this situation was nearby and yet just out his mental reach. Struggling to bring any memories to the forefront, Xavier squeezed his eyes tighter and hoped that a glimmer of hope would find its way through. The harder he tried, the blurrier the memories got.

He remembered running out to the store to get his pregnant wife a pint of Ben & Jerry’s©. He remembered buying three different flavors at the convenience store. He remembered driving like a maniac with the AC blasting to get back to his house in order to prevent the ice cream from melting in the sweltering heat. He remembered seeing the front door of his house ajar when he returned. OH, GOD!

Xavier bolted up causing his head to spin and as he took a few steps towards the house and under the willow tree he stumbled and then slid landing hard on his elbow. He heard a pop and then the pain in his head seemed to disappear as a whole new level of pain seared through his right arm. He attempted to push himself up with his left arm but the second he placed his hand on the ground he felt it slip away in a warm liquid. With the full moon, it was not dark enough to conceal the fact that he had landed in a pool of blood.

Grimacing, Xavier crawled onto a dry part of the grass and struggled to his feet. They only thing that mattered now was finding Molly. He ran into the house,

“MOLLY? MOLLY?” There was no answer. He began tearing the house apart and running from room to room. Nothing looked out of place, but Molly was nowhere to be found. It seemed impossible to panic any more than he had been, but he was definitely reaching his limit. His head hurt, his arm hurt, and his chest hurt. He tried to think of why his chest hurt when he saw the ice cream sitting on the counter. He had to have been in the house already. “MOLLY? WHERE ARE YOU?” Still no answer and his chest began to throb. He pulled his shirt down and saw four deep claw marks. “What the fuck?” This was most definitely his limit.

Xavier ran out the back door looking for some clue as to how he ended up back there and where Molly was. He stepped onto the patio and looked up at the willow tree to see the most terrifying sight he had ever seen. His neighbor was hanging from the tree with his entrails weeping out of him. He doubled over and threw up. Just as he wiped his mouth with the back of his left hand he heard someone behind him. He straightened up and looked at the face of his wife. She smiled and showed a mouthful of fangs and said,

“Hey, Babe. Dinner’s ready.”

© Autumn Siders 2015

 

#tbt

Beware of things that go bump in the night,

the knocks on your door that give you a fright.

Witches and goblins are on the prowl

and you can hear the werewolves howl.

Vampires, bats, and pumpkins too

they are only coming to visit you.

The knock on your door is them you see,

a much better visit than one from me.

© Autumn Siders circa 2000

Smile

I fell in love with your smile

yet sadly I can never be the cause.

Into unrequited love I fell

madly, which has its flaws.

While the heart works in

mysterious and unpredictable ways

it causes far more pain

as your head is in a daze.

So while your smile once was

the cause of hope and joy

it now serves as a reminder

that my heart is just your toy.

© Autumn Siders 2015