My most recent dream was like most of my dreams. It involved zombies. Most nights as I slumber, my mind rushes to an apocalyptic world where the zombies roam free and I can save the world each night. As you might know from reading some earlier posts, I truly believe that if the apocalypse ever came our way that I would not only survive, but thrive.

This thought changed last night though when in my dream appeared a friend. Now this friend is terrified of any bug, butterflies included. She has come close to cutting her thumb off with a knife, twice in the same day, with the same knife. In my dream however, she was leading her own group of survivors and actually ended up saving me from near death. It is hard to think that I would need help in this world that I am seemingly prepared for and my friend who struggles to survive adulthood, (love ya, DOOBAH) in this parallel reality of my dream could be better than I.

With this in mind, I decided to come up with a list of ways that I would go down in the apocalypse so as to even better prepare myself.

-Starvation: The true challenge in any end of the world scenario is finding food and water. Being the picky eater that I am, my task would be twice as challenging. I better start expanding my horizons now, otherwise the only thing I will be eating in the end are brains.

-Clumsiness: While I will deny it to the end, my mother is right. I am clumsy. There are so many scenarios here to prepare for that I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Number one on my list would be grabbing a zombie’s head from behind to stab my knife through and I end up stabbing my own hand as well. Maybe meditation will help.

-Blindness: Where do you find contacts in an apocalypse? What if your glasses break? It’s bad enough now I can’t see the clock in the middle of the night. Saving up for Lasik now could save my life later.

-Love for Weaponry: What if I find a beautifully crafted katana? What if Dean’s Colt 1911 .45 with custom engraving does exist? I can’t even bring myself to use the pocket knife that a friend (thanks, Indy) brought back from Toledo for me. If push comes to shove do I put myself before these great works of art? Hopefully I can just take care of the zombie with my bare hands.

-Love of Animals: This one gets me in real life and zombie apocalypses. I couldn’t hurt a lion if it meant life or death. But let’s face it, the lioness is probably more dangerous to me than the lazy man. Either way, if we are talking zombie dogs from Resident Evil or the bear in my back yard, I am a goner if they attack because I could never hurt them.