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Broadway Mash-Up Round 2

In honor of seeing Avenue Q today, I figured I would do another quick Broadway Mash-Up for you all.

Sweeney Todd’s RENT: A barber seeks revenge for his wrongful imprisonment by killing his customers and making pies out of their flesh. The plan seems to be working until he can no longer afford his rent and an AIDS epidemic sweeps London from serving the meat of those infected with the virus. He learns there is no place like London to live la vie bohème.

Beauty and the Grease: In a tale as old as time, a young girl is kidnapped by the most popular boy in school who will lose his popularity if he doesn’t make her fall in love with him before graduation. After he admits to her that he is a beauty school dropout, she realizes he is the one that she wants.

Kinky Waitress: When a pregnant waitress stuck in a small town and a loveless marriage inherits a failing shoe factory from her father, she decides to turn it into a pie production factory with the help of a drag queen. After a terrible fling with her doctor, she decides she has a history of wrong guys and makes the brave decision to take her baby and go back to London with the drag queen. She opens up her own pie shop there in a recently vacated bakery on Fleet Street.

 

Idioms for Idiots

It has always fascinated me how many idioms exist in the English language. It fascinates me even more that there are plenty of people out there who don’t know what half of them mean. Today, I invent my own idioms. I am sure they will catch on like wildfire!

-Add hot sauce to a wound: Make a situation worse. And that’s got to hurt worse than salt.

-Curiosity fueled the cat: Encouraging curiosity. Emilita made me change that one. She thinks this is more fitting to the personality of a cat. Also should we really be teaching people not to be curious? That’s boring.

-Off like a wedding dress: This one here means the opposite of it’s counterpart “off like a prom dress.” I mean have you ever tried to remove the average wedding dress? You might be able to have your honeymoon by your 1st anniversary.

-Break someone else’s leg: Have better luck than the other guy. Why would it ever be good luck to break your own leg?

-It’s not easy being green: I think I am going to be sick. Kermit felt this way after his break up with Miss Piggy.

-Going to Heaven in an Easter Basket: Things are looking up. Just make sure you have a bigger basket filled with chocolates.

 

Help Wanted

It seems like every business is hiring right now. All the kids have gone back to school and now is the time if you want a shitty part time job to go for it. I thought I could post some help wanted ads here for any business that might like to use them. It can be tricky drafting the perfect ad to find the ideal candidate.

Help Wanted

Seeking help to write help wanted ads.

Delivery driver needed. Must have own vehicle and insurance. We promise delivery in 15 minutes or less, prior speeding tickets are a plus.

Newspaper in seaerch of anew editer.

Litchfield prison is hiring new CO’s. Must be experienced with pepper spray and refrain from raping inmates.

In need of cat-sitter. Must be able to lift 9 pounds, open can, and watch her sleep for 8 hours.

Experienced dog walker needed. When dog is not available you can walk me.

McDonald’s is hiring fry cooks. Responsibilities include cooking fries.

Septic services seeks a technician. The job stinks and the pay is shit.

Back to School with Zombies

So it is that time of year when all the kids are going back to school. I, thankfully, never have to partake in this ritual ever again, but a lot of my friends are teachers so I figured I would make them a back-to-school supply list to help them get ready for the new year. The thing is, I have become just as obsessed with Fear the Walking Dead as I am with The Walking Dead, so I decided to include some items that may be more useful if you are attending the fictional Paul Williams High of Fear the Walking Dead.

*FEAR THE WALKING DEAD SPOILERS AHEAD*

*Don’t actually bring any of these to school*

-A pocket knife that wouldn’t even serve as a letter opener: Okay, maybe this should not be included on the list since you shouldn’t bring it to school and it also proves to be worthless in knife to mouth combat with an actual zombie.

-Plenty of Oxy: You never know when that junkie family member will go into withdrawal. It always happens at the most inopportune times like the start of the end of the world and the day of your algebra exam.

-Fire extinguisher: It is always best to be safe and what better way to practice fire safety in school. It also comes in handy when the previously mentioned knife does not.

–Call of the Wild: There is no better way to learn about survival than from Jack London. Not only is this a great book, but it can teach you that when people tell you not to go out into the cold on your own, you probably shouldn’t. Also when they tell you not to go into the zombie hoard, you probably shouldn’t. (*You can bring this one to school*)

-Sharpie markers: Markers are great for making posters for projects and labeling your binders. They also serve as a great way to make temporary tattoos that look like a game of snake. It’s a great way to remember your dying boyfriend. (*Hey, look at that, you can bring these to school too*)

-Crow Bar: These work best for breaking into the school’s drug cabinet as well as for breaking into zombie heads. That is, if you remember to pick it up after you open the cabinet.

-Brown bag lunch: Little known fact, but “school food is made to survive like a nuclear explosion. It’s good until like year 3000.” Whether going to school or setting off into the apocalypse it might be best to just bring your own lunch. (*Also safe to bring to school*)

-Camcorder: This way you can film your lessons. You will never have to take notes again. Also you can document the apocalypse as it happens, or at least capture police brutality on film. (*Check with your school policy before bringing this one*)

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It seems as though most are desperate for love.

They think they are lacking some power from above.

But if there really is one perfect mate for each soul,

then logically thinking, you’ve reached your goal.

While you may not have laid eyes on the one you dream of,

your soul knows what it’s doing so relax, you’re in love.

© Autumn Siders 2015

What a Cat Hears

No doubt you have heard some of the new hot songs on the radio like Cheerleader, Shut Up and Dance, and Fight Song. I am sure you even think you know the lyrics to these songs, but I am here to tell you how the songs really go. At least this is how the cats are singing them.

Oh, I think that I’ve found the best kind of dinner,

Tuna, shrimp and salmon are always a winner.

 

Oh don’t you wake me up

just keep your paws off me

I said, “don’t wake me up”

She said get up and play with me!

This woman is the ruin of me

she said blah bla bla blah

get up and play with me.

 

Like a small fish

from the ocean

to my dinner plate

in quick motion.

Like how a single meow

can make a bag open

I might only have a few claws

But I can cause a commotion.

I Have a Black Eye?!

So yes, I unfortunately have gotten myself a black eye and don’t even have a good story to tell. That doesn’t stop every person I have interacted with from asking me how I came to have this hideous injury. The thing is, it doesn’t hurt and I often forget that I look like I went a few rounds with Ronda Rousey. Alright, it doesn’t look that bad, maybe I just said something inappropriate to her in a bar. I imagine I look pretty confused though when someone asks, “what does the other guy look like?” or “What happened to you?” So here are some better stories that I will have memorized for the next person that asks.

-I fell off a donkey.

-I was caught messin’ around with the wife of a jealous man.

-I decided to experiment with S&M but I forgot my safe word.

-I walked into two drums and a cymbal. It was actually kinda funny.

-My cat and I got into a fight. She won.

-Well I was Tom Cruise’s stunt double for the new Mission Impossible movie and it’s a good thing I was there for him. We are the same height, you know?

-Pema got mad that I blogged about her.

-It’s not a good idea to use the pick up line, “punch me in the face if I am wrong, but I think you want to come home with me tonight.”

 

#tbt

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Eliza. She lived in New York City and was an artist. She roamed the streets every day to find new inspiration for her work. Like many other struggling artists, she thought true art could be found in the realities of life. She searched for art in nature, in the hustle and bustle of the city, in the homeless, in the rich, in the simple, and in the extraordinary.

Eliza had just had her first success as an artist though. She had her work shown in a gallery for the first time. However, after her first triumph, she was having difficulty finding new inspiration. She decided that it was time for drastic measures and she said goodbye to her apartment and went to live on the streets.

This was a crazy idea, and Eliza knew it, but she was always able to find something beautiful among people who had absolutely nothing but could still survive. New York streets were not a safe place to be, but to her the dangers were worth what she might find. The very first night she quickly discovered what it was like to have no place to sleep. The shelters that she tried were all full and she felt wrong taking a place from someone who needed it anyway. So she set off for Central Park and found a bench.

The next morning Eliza awoke to a police officer nudging her.

“You can’t sleep here,” he said and moved on to the next bench dweller. Eliza immediately realized that although she may find beauty from an outsider’s perspective, there was not much about actually being homeless that was inspirational. She removed herself from the bench and went to the nearest coffee shop.

After she ordered her drink, she reached for her wallet and realized that because she was trying to stay true to her adventure, she left her wallet at home. The barista could tell that she had a rough night and he was accustomed to seeing folks down on their luck come through his doors. Eliza was about to explain to him her predicament when he smiled and said,

“Coffee is on me today. Just pay it forward when you can.” Eliza smiled too and rushed home to paint the most inspirational moment in her life.

© Autumn Siders 2006