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Who Said It?

We have a great little inspirational book on our counter at the store. It is a pocket book of inspirational sayings from Pema Chödrön. For those who don’t know, she is a Buddhist nun who has a lot of positive things to say. It is a great little book and for some people these positive reassurances certainly help. I have nothing against her or what she does, but I hate this book. Why? Her picture is on the front. Now Pema, I am not saying you are hideous nor am I trying to insult you, in fact you look good if you are actually 79. The thing that bothers me is that at least once a day, if not more, I have a customer ask, “oh, is that you? You look like her.” I am 25! I am not a 79-year-old Buddhist nun!Pema-Chodron2

This is who people think I look like!→

So, we are going to play a little game of “Who said it? Pema or Autumn?”

Whoever gets the most right wins the fabulous prize of my appreciation.

Click here ↓Take the Quiz!

Reincarnation

I don’t really know what my stance is on one’s soul having recurring lives, but there are definitely instances out there that can make one believe that this is possible. Personally, I have many times in my life where I feel like maybe I have lived a life on this planet before this one. Call it déjà vu, call it reincarnation, call it bullshit, but the feeling is there. So, here are my theories on the lives I have lived that led me to this one.

The year is 1017 and my cousin Cnut (yes, you are reading that right) the Great is King of England. I am known as a dreng, which can be translated to “warrior” or “man.” I fight. I eat. I pillage. I plunder. There is not much else to life.

The year is 1453 and I live on Easter Island. I am sculptor and work on statues to honor the dead. I sculpt. I eat. There is not much else to life.

The year is 1599 and they have just built a fabulous theatre on the Thames. I don’t mean to brag but I know a guy who knows a guy and I might just have a part in a play based on the life of the late Julius Caesar. I act. I eat. What else can there be in life?

The year is 1776 and it is the day after Christmas. I am cold, wet, and wanting so desperately to go home. We trust Washington though and sure enough just outside Trenton we score a victory! I fight. I eat…sometimes. Isn’t there anything more to life?

The year is 1920 and I have found me the perfect woman! She wears short skirts! By the end of this decade I will be a millionaire with the prettiest wife for sure. I dance. I eat. This is the life.

The year is 2015 and finally the higher powers have allowed me to live the best life yet! I am finally a woman and so I get to experience life in a whole new way now that I have a brain! I think. Nothing in life could be greater than that! Except never having to eat again.

#tbt

A nice Hobbit inspired rap from my high school days.

We are the elves,

we don’t work for no Santa Claus,

come with us and you’ll find our cause.

We live in the woods,

and we ain’t from the hoods,

all we do is sing

with our elven king.

When we’re not singin’,

we’re eatin’ and meetin’ in the woods

but if you come we’ll hide our goods.

Now you know who we are

and you know what we do

we the elves and we rule.

© 2003

Eternal Student

There are many a scholar

who still pay dollar after dollar

and seek the fullest knowledge

they can gain from their college.

While it’s certainly a wonderful notion

to have one’s education as a devotion,

there is only so much that money can buy

and the rest must be learned on the fly.

For all those eternal students, where is the sense

in collecting debt while living with their parents?

Well it doesn’t take a college degree to see

there is no better price for rent than free.

© Autumn Siders 2015

SWF Seeking Partner for the Apocalypse

So my mom was just informing me that I should find myself a rich woman to take care of me and then we would never have to worry about money. My reply to this was, “I can’t find any woman, much less a rich one!” Now I am the last person who would ever use online dating or classifieds to find a partner, you can ask my friends if you don’t believe me, but I figured I would post a nice classified ad/online profile here. You see, my life is not that exciting, so I am here to show you all how to represent yourself in your profiles/ads without lying so that you can find your one true love. Or 5 new ex true loves.

SWF Seeks GF for the Zombie Apocalypse

Basic Information:

Occupation: Management (Never give away where you work, just make it sound important)

Age: 25 Quarter of a Century (makes you sound more mature)

Height: 5’4″ sometimes 5’6″ with that one pair of sneakers with really great arch support  5’4″

Wants Kids: To go away

Ethnicity:  Part German, Austrian, and Russian. White.

Religion: Doomsday Prepper

Drinks: water, milk, pop

Smokes: Bacon

About Me

I spend most days and nights at home with my mom, cat, and bird. I am very family oriented. I love to talk to the animals in my yard. I am quite the social butterfly. In my spare time I alphabetize my book shelves. I am a very organized individual. I am a very picky eater, so my diet consists of three dishes which I have perfected. While not a professional chef by any standards, I certainly know my way around a kitchen. I can and do read more than 3 books at a time. I am a great multitasker which comes in handy with my busy schedule. Writing a blog is one of my only ways of human communication. Skilled writer who has been been published and read in multiple countries. Waiting and preparing for the day that my skills will come to use when the dead rise and I will save the world. Insatiable dreamer who prepares for any situation.

The Laws of Grammar

I ain’t and you ain’t killed anyone,

that’s murder in the first and second degree.

I have not killed no one,

is filled with double negativity.

To boldly go where no man has before,

can lead to a split sentence if the judge sees fit.

To go boldly where no man has before.

That is better, but still not a place for a preposition to sit.

She can’t love you like me,

Sounds like a love triangle in the works.

She can’t love you like I,

Ah, the love triangle is reversed.

These are the laws that were put into place

to protect the English language from disgrace.

You can choose to follow them or rebel,

But if your choice is the latter, you will look stupid as well.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Cat for Hire

My prison guards are always telling me that if I want to eat for the week, I better find a job. Well I don’t like being dependent upon anyone, so I am putting my résumé here so that I can find work. I have faith that I will find a job in no time.

Emilita Isabella María Santina Anna Pinta Guadalupe Dominga Rodríguez Sánchez Scroogè Siders


 

Catscratchfeva2010eimsapgdrsss@gmail.com

Professional Summary

Hard-working professional who is confident and plays poorly with others. Gets the job done after sufficient nap time and does not take orders from others.

 

Skills

  • Excellent attention to detail
  • Fast learner
  • Good at hiding evidence
  • Strong leader
  • Efficient
  • Highly undependable
  • Creative

Work History

 

Queen of the World                                                                                                            06/13/2010 to Present
Everywhere

  • Be waited on hand and foot.
  • Give orders
  • Be worshiped
  • Discipline employees
  • Look beautiful
  • Give wake-up calls
  • Express my opinions in the most disdainful fashion
  • Redecorate the world with my hair and hairballs
  • Be worshiped again

Security: Night Watch                                                                                                        6/13/2012 to Present
My Prison

  • Keep an ever watchful eye for intruders (i.e. mice, fox, chipmunks, and bears)
  • Go on the kitchen counter while I am not being watched
  • Destroy any intruder that might enter the prison
  • Bring said intruders to the guards
  • Kill and eat bugs

Security: Day Watch                                                                                                            06/13/2012 to Present
My Prison

  • Observe wildlife
  • Plot how to kill said wildlife
  • Make said wildlife think we are friends
  • Feed said wildlife to encourage their patronage
  • Fall asleep

 

Gardener                                                                                                                               06/13/2012 to Present
Backyard Garden

  • Water plants
  • Inspect daily
  • Eat grass
  • Grow pumpkins

Education

Bachelor of Hunts: Graduated in 2010 summa cum lete.

Affiliations

Humane Society of the United States

  • Donated once
  • Get free stuff all the time

I am Looking for a Book…I Think it Had Words in It.

Want to have some fun with your local bookseller or librarian? Here are some surefire ways to make them laugh…or maybe chase you out of the store/library.

-Ask them if they have any books by Jane Eyre.

-Turn around all of the books in the mystery section so that you can’t read the spines. The mystery section is now a mystery section.

-Ask for a book that you don’t know the title of but you happen to know the color of the cover.

-Ask if they have any books by Oliver Twist.

-Ask if they have read every book in the store/library.

-Ask for a recommendation and when they ask what kind of book you like to read say, “oh, anything,” and then turn down every recommendation they give you.

-Ask if they have an autographed copy of the Bible.

-Tell them you have published a book similar to 50 Shade of Grey and you would like to have an event at the store/library complete with reenacted scenes from said book.

-Ask if they have a copy of Anti Gone by Syphocles.

-Ask where the children’s section is, find a book targeted for a very young audience, find the smallest chair or beanbag, sit and read for the whole day.

-Ask if they have any books by Robinson Crusoe.

-Re-arrange book titles to form clever sayings like, “To Kill A Mockingbird Hamlet Must Love Dogs” and “On My Side of the Mountain, The Devil in the White City Accused The Invisible Man In Cold Blood And The Mountains Echoed.”

#tbt

The more you think you know,

The less you are known to think.

And with every inch you grow,

That’s just one more inch you can shrink.

True love cannot be bought,

Yet love always comes at a cost.

Anytime a battle is fought,

You must prepare for what can be lost.

© Autumn Siders 2014

Someone Must Mourn the Wicked

Ever wonder how the obituaries would read for some of the world’s fictitious and most notorious villains? Here you go.

Lord Voldemort passed away May 2, 1998 after a long struggle. He was born Tom Marvolo Riddle on December 31, 1926. Growing up in an orphanage, many forgot his name and he quickly took on nicknames such as, “he-who-must-not-be-named” and “you-know-who.” He attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from 1938-1945 where he excelled and was a member of the Slug Club. He served as an assistant at Borgin and Burkes and then went on to become the leader of the Death Eaters. Among his many talents were reading minds, flying unsupported, and attacking defenseless children. He is predeceased by his entire family including his father, Tom Riddle Sr. and mother, Merope Gaunt. He is laid to rest by himself but donations in his memory can be made to the House of Slytherin.

Darth Vader passed in the comfort of his own home with his son by his side. Born in 41.9 BBY, Anakin Skywalker grew up in the hot desert of Tatooine. As a boy he loved pod racing and building droids. As the year’s went by, he became more machine than man and perfected his way with the Force. He was involved with many great projects including the building of the Death Star. He was a skilled pilot and well trained in the ways of lightsaber combat. He is predeceased by his mother, Shmi and wife, Padmé and survived by his children, Luke and Leia. Donations in his memory can be made to the Galactic Empire.

The Terminator known formally as Terminator T-800 Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 left the world in a crushing accident. With his perseverance and calm demeanor he was definitely someone you could rely on to get the job done. His loss is a great blow to society, but never fear, he’ll be back. He leaves behind his microchip and right arm. Donations can be made in his memory to Skynet.

Jack Torrance left the earthly world with his family running from his side. A writer and former school teacher, Torrance was a loving husband and devoted father, sometimes. He became a caretaker of a hotel in Colorado and proved he was a good listener and problem solver. In his spare time he enjoyed basketball, chopping wood, and trying to chop up his wife. He is survived by his wife Wendy and son, Danny. Donations can be made in his memory to the rebuilding of the Overlook Hotel.

Max Cady left the world with no fear. While life did not get off to a good start for this troubled soul, he worked to better himself while he served time for a crime he believed he did not commit. While away, he learned to read and developed strong feelings for the man who put him behind bars. Upon his release, he tried to make amends with that man and his family and died in the process. Donations in his memory can be made to Legal Aid.