So I had a run in with the world of urgent care medicine last night. I got some insight as to how this seedy underbelly of emergency medicine operates and the kind of patients they must see on a daily basis. I went in to have my leg looked at after a minor softball injury followed by a car accident (slamming my leg in the car door). I waited a week because my leg was pretty much better from the first injury and then the car door happened and it was all downhill from there.

Now, just to set the scene for you, I hate doctors. I don’t go unless I feel like I am dying. I hate drugs. The most I would ever take would be Tylenol and in my lifetime I can honestly say I haven’t even take much of that. I happen to be allergic to ibuprofen though, which is usually what a doctor would tell you to take for any kind of swelling and pain. The few times that I have had more serious injuries, the doctors usually end up prescribing me vicodin which I either do not fill or I send to Hugh Laurie.

Last night I explained my injuries to the nurse and waited an hour to see a doctor who in 30 seconds told me there was nothing wrong with my leg and was more concerned with how I could have gotten it slammed in the car door. Apparently he doesn’t deal with many klutzy people in his line of work. He proceeded to tell me to take ibuprofen (see allergy above ↑) and if I wasn’t better in a week I should check in with my primary care doctor. Well this was already a week at this point…what do I do? It was very clear to me that this man thought I did this to myself on purpose and that I was trying to get him to prescribe me something. I am here to use this experience to teach others though. If you want to score some drugs/just be treated for your ailment, follow these instructions:

-Don’t tell them it was an accident! Accident to doctors in emergency rooms means your husband, boyfriend, mother, or cat is abusing you. It’s better to just tell them you were abused and then they take sympathy on you and will probably give you something for the pain. Your loved one going to jail is really a small price to pay.

-Don’t tell them you are allergic to something even if you are. Take whatever they tell you to and then when you have the allergic reaction, they will have to prescribe you something else.

-Yell!!!! If you are annoying and/or shout in agony they will give you anything to get you out of their clinic. Channel Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment.

-Never say you’re worried if you insurance will cover it. These words to a doctor mean the same as refusing treatment.

-Don’t joke. If you have a sense of humor the doctors either take this as your situation is not that serious or that you need to be committed to a mental health clinic. Your health is serious!

-Most importantly, you could just visit a doctor who isn’t pissed that he pulled the short straw and is still at work at 7pm dealing with folks just trying to score some drugs.