Zombie Apocalypse

If I could have one wish in this world it would be to have a zombie apocalypse. No lie here, this is not a joke. Since high school I have hoped with each world disaster that somehow the dead would rise and civilization as we know it would come to an end. Crazy, right? I can’t help feeling this way though. Here is my reasoning behind this. Real life is boring. So some people love action films and would love to be in high speed chases and run from explosions. My love for the living dead and all the foul aftermath that come with them is no different. Now I would never try to top Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide, but here are some tips to help you survive when the apocalypse arrives.

-Pick a weapon that you don’t need to reload. There is nothing worse than running out of bullets, arrows, pellets, or stones. Especially that last one, you could at least beat a zombie with an empty gun, but your slingshot probably won’t do much.

-Always have enough supplies to last you six months. I like to think of this in terms of how much you should have in your savings account, or how many tampons one should keep on hand. In a pinch, you’ll be glad you thought ahead.

-WATER!!! I know the world has come to an end and every night is a party for you, but even if you aren’t too drunk to function, you will eventually die from dehydration. Running from zombies will take a lot out of you although the staggering around like the drunkard you are may help you fit in with the living dead.

-Always have a buddy but never make a friend. This world is one where you won’t know who you can trust. You may want someone to watch your back so you can take a leak with some security, but you don’t want to be caught with your pants down. As selfish as it sounds, look out for numero uno only.

-Be prepared to say goodbye to loved ones. Once again, I know this is harsh, but we have to prepare for this in civilization as well. Most of the time in this world we don’t have to be the ones to do the deed though unless good old mom and pop have a really good insurance policy and it has to look like an accident. In zombie world though, you have to be ready to pop a cap in pop. Just think of your teenage years spent hating your parents and it should be easy.

And always remember, the great thing about failure in a zombie apocalypse is that the old adage holds quite true, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!”

When I Grow Up

There are so many aspirations and dreams one has as a child that never seem to work out the way we think they will. Adults always ask, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Of course the average kid responds with, “astronaut,” “president,” “doctor,” firefighter,” etc. The not so average kid responds with, “taxidermist,” “fast-food server,” “prostitute,” “cat,” etc. As we get older, these dreams either change or we just realize how far out of our reach they really are. Well I am here to share with you some of my childhood ideas for a career and while they have not come to fruition, I am not giving up yet.

Gardener: I don’t really know why I ever wanted to be a gardener, but an old project from my elementary school days says this was my dream job. I think this one I may actually give up on since my cat has a far better green thumb than I. And she doesn’t even have thumbs!

Power Ranger: I think this dream really just stemmed from the fact that my first crush was the pink ranger. I don’t know that I really wanted to fight weird putty aliens so much as I wanted to get to know Amy Jo Johnson. I did study martial arts, so I guess I fulfilled half the dream and I can always hold out for the day I get to know Amy Jo Johnson.

Professional Assassin: Can you tell I didn’t have a lot of close friends as a kid? But really the pay is great, you make your own hours, and it is a really innovative field. John Cusack makes it look so appealing and all I have to do is buy a couple of black suits and I am in business.

Con Artist: I have always been a prankster, so why not take it to the next level and make some money out of it? I could always start charging a dollar a day to read my blog.

Shortstop for the Atlanta Braves: Hey, I am ready to go. I am just waiting for the right scout to see me at my weekly softball games. It’s about time a woman made it the MLB.

Te echo de menos

How can it have been over a year

since I last heard your voice?

“Chica,” you would say

And then ask me about my day.

I miss our ballgames when you’d shout,

“Way to go Andrew!” every time he struck out.

I remember our high stakes poker games

With a penny ante and 4 aces to stake your claim.

But in my heart I still hear you

Singing and humming, “I’ll be seeing you.”

Sinking

The waves come crashing down

making it harder to stay afloat.

Just trying to tread water becomes

a tiring task while awaiting a boat.

The ocean swallows you whole

and you hold your breath

while you await your rescue.

Then the light in the distance

pulls you from your imminent death

until you realize it’s not for you.

Chloë and Kristina

Falling in love is the easy part,

and you seem to have done that well.

Staying in love is what’s tough on the heart,

But when two hearts beat as one you can walk through hell.

Always remember the look in her eyes

the first time you knew you were complete.

Always remember to compromise

because love is a two way street.

Never forget why your heart can’t beat without hers.

Never forget her smile and how she lights your life.

Never forget why you call her yours.

Never forget how lucky you are to call her your wife.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Marriage Mash-Up

In honor of the upcoming nuptials (tomorrow!!!!) of my two good friends, I figured what better way to celebrate marriage than give a few examples of couples that may not work, but would be quite funny if they were married. That’s kind of how I feel about my friends…;)

Donald Trump and Selena Quintanilla: Together these two would have been a business powerhouse. Selena surely has some great ideas of her own, like mixing friendship and business and Trump has such a great working relationship with Latinos now. This is a marriage bound to succeed! The best thing is Selena might still be alive because Trump would most likely have deported her friend before she ever had the chance to rip her off and kill her.

Rush Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow: Two great people who bring us the news every day. They say opposites attract and with this couple we might actually get both sides of the story. But let’s face it, we all know who has the morals in this relationship 4 marriages are better than 1, right?

Edgar Allan Poe and Charlie Sheen: This is a marriage that would last based on the sole love of alcohol. Everyone needs a drinking buddy and who better than your soul mate? The best thing about these two is where they differ. While they both keep late hours, one thinks he hears a raven and the other thinks he is a raven.

Jerry Bruckheimer and Carrie Underwood: He was just a city boy, born and raised in north Detroit and she just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world who took the midnight train right to American Idol. Hey, if these two could fall in love, then we can’t stop believin’.

#tbt

This was from back in my days as a rapper. Enjoy a little history lesson!

Everybody in the 434 throw your hands in the air

Cause we gonna win that war

Yo, Yo Yo

We be comin’ from the south you know

Where all of the tobacco grow

We the rich colonies cant ya hear

We can smell all them north guy’s fear

With the mountains to the west

And the ocean to the east

We’ll be rapping up the coast

And eating a big feast

But now let me tell you just how it began,

No wait lets hear it from this man

“Yo, my name is James Oglethorpe

And I’m rapping to you now

I founded Georgia and I’m gonna tell you how

Well it started in 1733

An English general I be

Georgia was for the poor

Yeah to open a new door

But not only for that

But to get us up to bat

We kept the Spanish out

We won without a doubt

Since I was strict

The colonists got ticked

But some had to stay

And grow rice all day

But oh well

I was rich”

Now lets hear it from the big NC (North Carolina that is)

“Well you see, it started in 1650

Eight englishmen talk to Charles number two

And he said here’s a grant from me to you

So they set up shop and started farming

But without women it didn’t matter if they were charming

So they were poor and needed some money

So let me tell you how, its really quite funny

It was really a sticky situation sellin’ tar and pitch

Man let me tell you it really was a b… big deal”

So now lets go up north

“I hope you don’t think I’m too forth-

Coming, but I gotta tell ya bout the virgin queen

She really wasn’t that mean

In 1607 we named Virginia after her

But things couldn’t be as they were

We changed our crops cause of the climate

We got rich off tobacco but nothing rhymes with climate

We started usin’ slaves to do our work

But trouble in the future it did lurk.”

You heard of the west being won

Well that’s how the south was lost

Between Indians and no food

We couldn’t afford the cost

We ran into trouble

But no one was there on the double

I guess the mountains were too high

And the rivers too wide

But somehow we made it

And we still here today

And we got nothing else to say.

Luto

Every young man on the street corner,

Every punk kid walking down the street,

Every glowing cigarette smoking up the night,

Every drifter carrying a bag in tow,

I see you.

Everyday I wonder

how our paths drifted so far apart.

Everyday I wonder

why I still keep you in my heart.

Everyday I wonder

what happened to make you so lonely.

Everyday I wonder

why you think the world revolves solely

around you.

Everything reminds me.

Everything begs me to forget.

Everything was what you were to me.

Everything is what you will always be

to yourself.

The Biological Warfare of My Everyday Life

I think most people no longer believe that all ailments are caused by some invisible force of miasmas, but with all the research and fact that science has produced, it still surprises me how many people blatantly ignore germs! Now I may have inherited a little bit of O.C.D from my mom, but I still think it is pretty rational to be wary of germs and all the infection they cause. It disgusts me though that people seem to be perfectly fine with eating off the floor, or consuming expired foods, or even eating without washing their hands. Never fear though, I am here to enlighten those who do not fear the germs as they should. Here are a few scenarios that might get you thinking twice about that “five second rule.”

So you drop your delicious chocolate chip cookie that just cost you $3, no way you are letting that go to waste! So you pick it up, give it a little shake and consume it as if nothing ever happened. Little do you know that in that same spot only half an hour ago, Ralph walked through with the shoes that he happened to be wearing when he stepped in dog poop that he managed to scrape off (mostly) with the stick that the same dog had in it’s mouth an hour ago. Yum, now it is a double chocolate chip cookie.

So you don’t think it’s necessary to wash your hands before putting in your contacts or even just rubbing your eyes or eating. You know where your hands have been and you feel pretty confident that they are clean enough. Well remember when you shook that client’s hand today? He was so nervous about meeting with that he had an upset stomach. So then of course he had to go to the bathroom. Is he one of the few men that wash their hands after? For your sake, let’s hope so.

Expiration dates are just a suggestion, right? Some items they are more of a guideline but let’s think about this. Back in the days before refrigeration in say the Revolutionary War, food was often tampered with so that the soldiers would either get sick or starve. Meat just happened to arrive without being salted. Rice and flour came with a free side of bugs (although that may have been a natural result). It’s your call in the end, but do you really want to mess with something that is a war tactic?

If you have survived this long, you probably haven’t picked up the plague or Ebola yet, so maybe my rant is all for naught. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Even if you eat off the floor or drink chunky milk, at least wash your hands otherwise I won’t be shaking them.