Technology, can’t live with it, can’t live…well with it.

I write to you now on a piece of technology that did not exist just a short time ago. Yes, there have been computers my whole life, the internet has existed, and for the most part I was raised in the personal computer aged society, but this computer I am using is only the second I have owned in my life and the first I bought when I was 17. It still seems crazy how far technology has come though in the last two decades and I am sure that folks older than I can say the same of the last five decades. All the questions have arisen, “does technology make us lazy?” “Does it make us dumb?” “Does it make us vulnerable?” “Does it make me look fat?” Okay, so maybe not that last one, but it does cause a lot of discussion about our society and where it is headed.

Don’t call me a hypocrite, but I have always been an anti-technology kind of person. I am fascinated not by what a computer can do, but by what a person can do. Obviously a person invented the computer, I think Charles Babbage takes responsibility for the first programmable computer, but the computer itself is not what amazes me. What amazes me is that people can do some pretty cool things with or without the help of technology. Now I am not hoping for this to happen, but all great things must come to an end as we learned from the Romans and their high tech aqueducts. So, in case the world wide web crashes tomorrow, in case all computers become infected with a virus that decimates the digital world, in case Skynet sends nukes to start a war, here are some really great solutions to the average computer user for filling the void in your life.

No more Microsoft Word? Have you ever heard of a typewriter? It’s like a computer without the screen. This complicated device lacks auto-correct, but forces you to know how to spell on your own. If this is too much for you, there is always pen and paper or perhaps chisel and tablet.

No more YouTube? Do you miss your cat videos? The simple solution for this is to go to your local animal shelter and observe. WARNING: you may go home with too many cats, but you will once again have cat “videos” in the comfort of your own home.

No more games? I hear back in the day that people actually played solitaire with real playing cards! But I guess it is really hard to compete with slicing fruit and Angry Birds.

No texting or email? Maybe you could actually talk to people. Like with full words. To their face. The best thing is you won’t have a phone to distract you so you could have a real conversation. About your cat videos.

No more Facebook? Well come on, how many people on your friend list have you actually talked to in the last year? Maybe instead of checking in to every place you visit, you could now try checking in to your life?

Technology does have it’s benefits, after all it is how you can be reading my extremely hilarious and helpful blog right now. Technology also has it’s downfalls. Don’t let it rule your life, but rather let it be a tool you can use while living your life. Always read my blog though.

The Fireworks Are for You

One score and four years ago,

the earth welcomed your soul.

While I did not know you then,

I know you now as my friend.

So for the few years I may have missed,

Happy belated, best wishes, you get the gist.

But what I really mean to say,

Although this may be your day,

The celebrations mark not another year gone by,

but another year you’ve been in my life.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Blockbuster Mash-Up Round 2

Some Like it Hot Fuzz: When a couple of male musicians join an all female police department in the countryside to escape the Chicago mob, all hell breaks loose when they do a better job than the other constables and uncover a secret society that protects their town at all costs.

The Rocky Horror Pitch Perfect Show: When an all female a cappella group from college gets stranded in a storm, they go to a creepy mansion to use the phone and find it inhabited by sweet transvestites from Transylvania. It turns out to be a lot like college.

Pretty Pocus: A hooker hides out with a millionaire who needs a date in order to escape the wrath of ancient witches brought back after she lit a candle. After a week she realizes that not kissing on the mouth does not make her a virgin and therefore the witches were never brought back.

Grosse Pointe Break: When an assassin returns home for his high school reunion and a job, he rekindles the romance he shared with his high school sweetheart and infiltrates a group of surfers who are robbing banks. All goes well until he stabs one of the surfers in the eye with a pen.

Six Days Seven Nights of the Living Dead: When a drunk pilot taking a woman back to the mainland crashes his plane on an island, the two must survive the wilderness, zombies, and each other. After being fed up with the woman’s incessant complaints, the pilot leaves her for the zombies and finds his own way off the island.

The Fault in the Stars

There comes a time once and while in life where we all wish someone could give us the answer. Who you love, what career you choose, and what to have for dinner are some important issues that would work out a little better with some guidance from behind the scenes. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or just plain rational, it is nice to believe that you are on some kind of chosen path and not just ambling through hoping for the best. When I hit these bumps in the road I find myself turning to signs, horoscopes, and Magic 8 Balls maybe more for laughter than guidance. Now, I am not saying that there is no truth to these astrological forecasts, but there is one small problem. The human problem.

We tend to project what we want, feel, and think onto what we read or hear. I have prepared a little example for you. Here are the horoscopes from horoscope.com. I chose this site because it comes up first when you Google search “horoscope” so they may not be done by the most reliable astrologers, but I think they can still prove a point. Now these are in no particular order and I won’t tell you which one belongs to which sign. See how many you can relate to today.

-Be a pioneer in your world today, *. Go on an adventure with a courageous spirit. Your emotions are fired up and ready to go. Your instincts are ready for a new challenge. If anything slows you down today, it will be your rational thinking. Your self-protection mechanism may kick in just when things start to get exciting. Strike the right balance.

-Other people may be stroking your fur in the wrong direction, *. There’s a great deal of fiery energy in the air today that’s promoting a “me first” attitude. It may come in direct conflict with your peaceful, diplomatic nature. Also, people may be a bit more sensitive than usual. It will be harder to stomach the slights or insults that result. You have your work cut out for you.

-One of the themes today is giving versus receiving. You may be asked to handle many tasks at once, something you’re naturally quite good at, *. There’s a strong need to take action and get things done, while you may also feel a strong inward pull asking you to settle down and reflect. Both are valid emotions, and both should be honored as you go through your day.

-You’re feeling rather sensitive today, *. You may want to rescue every injured animal from the side of the road. Combine this nurturing, loving instinct with a warrior drive that will take charge and lead the fight. This powerful energy duo is very action oriented. Send your loving, internal instincts out into the world to do good.

-Your brain may be on one side of the fence today while your emotions are on the other, *. The challenge will be to find a working resolution between them. Your mind is moving toward a more sensitive and receptive approach, while your heart is in more of an attack mode. Unfortunately, these two energies don’t normally work well together. Your job is to find a healthy balance.

-Latch on to what your mind has to say today, *. More than likely, your rational brain knows the right way to go. Your mood may dictate the action, but let your brain handle the steering. Don’t get overly worked up over nothing. Tempers may rise in heated debates over what is and isn’t fair. Be part of the solution, not the problem.

-People and situations egg you on today, *. It may seem like there’s contention around every corner. Remember that your path is the one that you chose. You may or may not have anticipated the barriers, but they’re unavoidable. The key to success is to strike the right balance between inner and outer activities. Don’t direct all your frustration at others. Don’t hold it all in, either.

-You’re feeling frisky today, *, and you’re happy to take the lead. It seems like the starting gate has just opened and you’re leading the charge. The one thing that could put a damper on the race is your rational mind reminding you that it’s also important to stop. Look around and reflect on what’s going on around you. Incorporate both energies into your day.

-Your mind is surprisingly clear today, *, and your thinking fits in line with what your ego has set out to accomplish. The key for you is to let your emotions speak. Take charge and let yourself go after what you want. While you’ve spent the last couple days in contemplation, the next few days should be more action oriented.

-There’s a greater burst of energy coming your way today than there has been in a while, *. It’s as if you’re making a new start and now is your chance to begin with a fresh new attitude. Realize that a sensitive nature is what will help you be victorious on this day. Keep your mind focused inward while you pursue outwardly directed activities.

-Your mood is likely quite good, *, and you have an added boost of self-confidence that will help you along in just about any project you undertake. While the last couple days may have felt slow and a bit stagnant, today you’re ready to take action. Someone has just lit the pilot light and now you’re ready to fire up again.

-You’re in line with your warrior instincts today, *, which reminds you to align with your dreams. The tricky part is how you’re going to plan your attack so that there’s an equal balance of give and take. Today’s prevailing energies may catch you in a difficult situation. Sometimes an outwardly directed, argumentative approach is the only way to push through the roadblock.

While it can be good to have faith or spiritualism or a Magic 8 Ball, ultimately the only guidance we should trust is what comes from within. A person is too complex to have one path set by the stars; instead, we should be realizing we have many paths that lead to the stars.

How to Be an Adult (Or at Least Appear to Be One)

I had a lovely lady request some tips on how to be an adult. I don’t claim to be an expert on this, but let’s see what happens!

Work: Never call out of work when you are sick. You must show that you are a trooper and are so committed to work that nothing can stop you. Also, why waste a sick day on being sick? Always call out when your favorite band is in town, the sun is shining, or you win the lottery.

Sleep: They say 7 hours is best! As a young adult this idea is shunned, but we know as an adult this idea should be embraced. But, let’s not give up our late nights just yet. Sunglasses. The darker the better. Simply explain to everyone that you just had your eyes dilated (taking care of your eyes is the adult thing to do) and that you must leave them on and then settle into your desk for a few winks. Let’s hope you don’t snore.

Play: As adults, some level of composure is highly necessary. It just is not acceptable to be as wild and crazy as a youngster. Here are the best ways I know to sneak back in to the world of play. Have kids or borrow your friends’ kids. Maybe it seems crazy to go to the playground by yourself and yes in this day and age a little weird, but as long as you have got a little one along you can go down the slide too! Or, get younger friends and just tell everyone they are your younger siblings which is why you hang out so much at the club. “Just looking out for my little sis!”

Responsibility: Tired of it? Dye your hair blond. Any time you fail to accomplish a task, forget to do something, or just can’t bring yourself to do it you now have an excuse. Play dumb. No one can hold you accountable for being stupid.

The most important thing to remember is that being an adult is like being in love. The perks always seem brighter until you get there.

#Lovewins

Excuses come in every shape and size.

Reason has its time and place.

Money can certainly be the demise

and distance definitely makes its case.

Despite all the obstacles we face,

There is one factor that remains true.

No matter religion, sex, age or race,

Whatever the heart say, we must do.

© Autumn Siders 2015

Broadway Mash-Up

Wicked Misérables: After being imprisoned for being green, a young woman is released into Revolutionary Oz and starts a new life for herself by protecting her crippled sister. All goes well until her sister tries to defy gravity and gets trapped under a barricade by angry men.

Phantom of Avenue Q: A coming of age story about a young man living backstage at the opera house who gets swept up in a love triangle and through the use of puppets he realizes there is a fine fine line between a lover and a stalker as he goes past the point of no return.

The Chicago King: Set in the Savannah during prohibition era, a young lion cub learns the circle of life and all that jazz as he realizes how corrupt society and his pride really are.

Fiddler on the Mamma!: A young girl in Anatevka must find out who her father is before her arranged marriage due to the fact that her mother was known not only as the town dancing queen, but also the town slut. Hey every town needs one, it’s tradition!

La Cage aux Hairspray: A drag queen and his partner audition to be on the coolest dancing show on t.v. and become instant hits with their slogan, “We are Who We Are.” Meanwhile, the mother of their competition, a highly conservative bigot tries to squash all hopes of them winning by giving all of Baltimore crabs.

The Customer is Always Right, Right?

This is my shout out to anyone who has worked a single day in retail. We learn from the start, that the customer is always right, even when you want to punch them in the face. So for those of us who can maintain a job in retail by holding back this urge, here is a list of scenarios and how we would like to respond rather than how we should respond.

1. A customer is complaining about the store’s return policy which is clearly stated on the receipt and the wall behind the registers. He claims that only accepting returns for store credit is the most absurd thing he has ever heard of and he is surprised that our store is still in business after 21 years with a policy like that. He then looks around and upon seeing that no one is in the store says, “this is why you don’t have any customers!”

In my mind I reply, “Actually, Sir, we don’t have any customers at the moment because they realized there was an asshole in the store and they all left.”

2. This is a paraphrasing of an actual conversation over the phone:

Customer: I am looking for a book.

Me: Okay, what book are you looking for?

C: Well first, would you be able to deliver the book to the hospital? I am here for a little while, but they have me in a nice room on the second floor.

M: I think we could probably arrange something for you. What are you looking for?

C: Well it is a book on stone walls in New Hampshire. It is called, oh hang on, the bear is back.

M: There is a bear there?

C: Yeah, he keeps coming around outside my window.

M: And you are on the second floor?

C: Yeah, but he just stays a while, I will have to call you back.

What I would like to say, “Okay, but we barely got started here. Also, did you say you were in the psych ward?”

3. A new customer but more paraphrasing and may a little editing to keep it pg-13:

C: I ordered a magazine from you online and when I received it, it was a book and it wasn’t the right thing.

M: I think you have reached the wrong business, we don’t sell online and we also don’t sell magazines.

C: No, you are *****. I ordered online through Amazon and it was your business name.

M: Well sorry, but we don’t sell online and certainly not through Amazon even if we did. I can’t help you.

C: No, you sent me the wrong thing and you need to fix this. You are a bookstore in Lee! I got your information from your website, I know it is you.

M: Actually, we are not in Lee which you would see if you were on our website. I can’t help you, you need to call Amazon or whomever you ordered from.

C: ******I ordered from you *****. You owe me what I ordered or send me my money back.

M: I am sorry, but you have the wrong place. (I hang up)

The customer proceeds to call back several times which I kindly let go to voicemail rather than hear more berating. But… if I answered the phone I would have done it like this: “City Morgue, you stab ’em, we slab ’em” or perhaps, “Department of Immigration, your report ’em, we deport ’em” or maybe I should have done, “Thank you for calling Amazon customer support, we don’t care!”

4. Often times reviews or advertisements for books come out before the book is published. I can’t tell you how many times a customer has come in the store looking for a title that is not yet on sale. Most customers understand when we tell them that we don’t have the book and it won’t be out for another month and then you have the customer that knows all. She argues no I saw the book last week. Someone else was selling it. I don’t understand why you can’t get it in. I guess I will just order it online. All one can do in this situation is admit defeat and know that no matter if she orders it online, she still won’t have it until the book is actually published.

Or say, “I am sorry, but our time machine is broken this week and we actually couldn’t pick up our shipment of books from the future. Thanks for checking with us though. Once it gets fixed we will go back and get that autographed copy of the Bible for you.”

But What Does it Mean?

When I tell people I was an English major, their first response is, “oh, so you want to teach?” When I reply in the negative, the next response is a look of bewilderment and a slow head nod leading to a tentative, “so what do you want to do with that?” The truth is, I never even wanted to go to college and I have no desire to limit my potential opportunities to one thing that I studied for four years. In my opinion, the only thing that English can teach you is how to think for yourself. You can master a language and use words as your tools, your weapons, your shield. You can go back in time, jump into the future, and hide within your own time period. To me, other than with the use of grammar, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to the English language and the art that stems from that. The thing I dislike most about English classes is that often times, teachers try to tell you that there is a right or a wrong answer. Well two people can read the same line of text and have two completely different ideas on what that means. As someone who has shared her work with others, yeah I can tell you what I meant when I wrote it, but I don’t care if you love it, hate it, or take something completely different from it, as long as you experience something. For anyone out there though who needs the safety net of right and wrong, I will dissect this poem for you so as there is no confusion.

1.Nature and all her beauty,

2.got nothin’ on your booty;

3.golden and perfectly rounded,

4.I find myself constantly astounded.

5.Lost at sea, or lost in my mind,

6.you are my north star, my compass,

7.lighting my way, leading the blind,

8.who wouldn’t come home to that ass.

Line 1: So here I discuss the beauty of nature, it’s great, it’s grand, nothing can compare…or can it?

Line 2: So here it is something that can compare to nature’s beauty. Booty, you know, pirate’s treasure, stop having such a dirty mind!

Line 3: gold coins, they are golden, they are round, they look good in tight pants.

Line 4: Wow!!

Line 5: I really don’t like water so I think if I were ever on the sea I would be lost for sure. Also, it goes back to the whole pirate thing and hey most pirates are lost in the mind if you know what I mean.

Line 6: What drives them on? More booty!!!! ARRR and they use compasses.

Line 7: Gold is shiny, although I did use some poetic license there, not sure the blind can see gold, but maybe the morally blind can, yeah, that’s what I meant.

Line 8: There’s a donkey at home. Okay, maybe it was a poem about a nice ass.