My deepest condolences…	Your shoe will be missed but it had the best sole.
Happy Birthday!	I heard you really wanted a mouse this year!
Congratulations!	I was so excited for you I peed on the carpet.
A Promotion? What exciting news!	This means you can buy me more toys and treats.
Bon voyage…	Your house will be destroyed when you get home, bitch!

Thinking of you.	Really my birthday is coming up and I hope you’ll be thinking of me too.
Happy Birthday! Remember, you’re never too old to go on the rides.	Unless you don’t meet the height requirement anymore.
Bon Voyage!	Enjoy your life in the circus, freak.
Congratulations to the high school graduate!	Six years goes by so fast!
Better late than never!	Who would have thought getting your period could be a celebration?
Love is blind…	Happy blind dating! What’s the worst that could happen?

 

Congratulations on your new job! We knew you could do it!	So if we need to reach you at work, the number is 1-900…?
So sorry for your loss.	The good news is you can’t lose your virginity twice!
Wedding bells are ringing!	It’s finally time to meet your groom!
Congratulations on the new home!	I hear Folsom is nice in the spring.
Congratulations on graduating!	After 15 years in college you must be the smartest person I know!
You warm my soul and light my life like no other.	Even if you did start that fire, I will wait 25 to life for you!
After 50 years of wedded bliss…	I think it’s time we called it quits.

 

Have you ever stood in the card aisle for hours trying to find that perfect thing to say to someone? I gave up on conventional cards a long time ago because they are never able to capture what I truly mean. You have your love cards, which if you have ever been in love, you know it’s not all “roses are red,” but more “blood is red.” You have your sympathy cards, which could never convey what you truly feel for somebody’s loss or they convey way more sympathy than you actually feel (just because you are nice doesn’t mean you really care). More important than what these cards lack though, is what cards that aisle is actually lacking. There are just certain occasions that might be made easier with a card. Here are some ideas I have. Hallmark, feel free to use any of these, I only charge $100 per character.

Cover                                                                     Inside

It’s not you, it’s me…	Actually, it is you. See you around.
My girlfriend is the hottest, funniest, and smartest person I know.	That’s why I am leaving you for her. It was fun while it lasted, cheers!
You know how when a cat brings you a dead mouse he is showing that he really loves you?	Well, I brought you herpes! Can you feel the love?
Dear Dad,To the man who taught me all about basketball and baseball…	I’m gay. How did you know I liked balls?
Dad,You always said the day you gave your daughter away would be the saddest day of your life.	Well now it can be happy because you get to gain a daughter that day too!
Congratulations on coming out!	Were you ever really in the closet?
We will miss you after 25 years!	And they said you’d never make parole!

 

© Autumn Siders 2015