Blockbuster Mash-Up Round 4

Mrs. Woman: In order to see her children after a messy divorce, a hooker dresses in drag to pose as the family’s manny. She soon quits the position though after one of her clients, a millionaire, sweeps her off her feet and she realizes that her children are brats.

Mr. Congeniality: After an auto engineer gets laid off, he takes the role of stay at home dad while his wife supports the family. Hilarity ensues as he plays poker games with housewives and even enters a beauty pageant…er scholarship program.

The Wizard of Arabia: An English officer unites a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion against the Turks during World War I. As he leads his offensive to take down the Ottoman Empire, he yells, “Pay no attention to the man behind the keffiyeh!”

Tootsie Roll Bounce: After the local roller rink closes down, an out of work actor starts training for a roller disco contest. He quickly realizes that the team doesn’t want another man so he creates a whole new persona as a woman and steals the show.

The Birds Like it Hot: In order to escape a vicious attack from birds in Chicago, a pair of musicians cross dress to join an all-female band in Florida. They think they have it made as they both pine over the band’s singer until they realize that birds fly south for the winter.

Well That’s Original

I finally saw the new Star Wars this weekend and was very impressed. I haven’t been to see a movie in a very long time and with no television I don’t really see trailers anymore. That being said, I had absolutely no idea what any of the other movies playing were. While it will probably take me another five years to go see another movie, I got very excited to see the previews for the sole reason of finding out what new movies would be out soon so that I could at least think about going to see one. I was very disappointed though as the previews began to roll and I realized that every single movie being advertised was a sequel, based on a book, or re-make. I thought I was back in the 90’s as Jeff Goldblum witnessed more aliens coming to earth. I have no idea which X-Men preview I saw, but I know that they have to save the world and become accepted as the mutants they are. Even the trailer for the 5th Wave brought no excitement as it is just another apocalyptic teenage drama where all the adults die. Even the movie I was going to see, while great, was another sequel.

I can take one thing away from this: Hollywood is in need of an original idea. I am here to help. Here are some great, completely original ideas, for all those screenwriters out there. You can take them for free, but if you do make a movie I think it’s only fair that I get 75% of whatever you make.

Undercover: A lonely bookstore employee is forced to work the night shift when she witnesses a gruesome murder in the reference section as a panda eats, shoots, and leaves. Given that the local police can’t even find said bookstore, they are even less likely to believe the employee’s story. She sets off on her own to uncover the mystery and uncovers a deadly underground organization of hard-core grammarians who will stop at nothing to make sure the English language is not butchered.

Not My Type: An elderly man decides to create an online dating profile to bring a little excitement into his life. His wife decides to do the same. At home all they do is bicker and state their constant disapprovals of each other, but online their love life flourishes. Unbeknownst to them, their online matches are actually each other. The two decide to meet IRL but he dies of a heart attack before they ever can. She finally feels free of her loveless marriage, but betrayed by the man she never met. Then she dies too.

In Position: Always willing to try new things, a young woman decides to try every position in the Kama Sutra in a year. There is only one problem, she lacks a partner to try them with. She places an add to find suitable suitors but gets more than she bargained with when one of her responses comes from a soldier from the most elite special ops unit. In the middle of their “date,” he gets called away on a mission, but nothing will stand in the way of hers.

You’re welcome, Hollywood.

 

A Night at the Meovies

Much like a human’s inability to hear the proper lyrics to songs, they also seem to lack the ability to get some of the most infamous movie lines right. Here they are for your reference.

Life is like a box of catnip. You never know if you are going to jump off the walls or sleep for five days.

You know how to whistle, don’t you? Well you’re a cat so I guess you can’t.

I love the smell of tuna fish in the morning.

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I have poop stuck on my butt?” Well, do ya, punk?

There’s no crying in mouse hunting!

Blockbuster Mash-Up Round 3

Friends with a Chance of Meatballs: A young inventor becomes close friends with the local weather girl and they decide to escape all the emotional entanglements that come with a relationship by just having meaningless sex. All goes well until one of his inventions goes wrong and causes food to rain down on New York. In the process of saving the world, the two actually fall in love.

Must Love Aristocats: When a divorced woman is forced into online dating, she thinks she has found the perfect man until she discovers that he is a former butler who abandoned a mother cat and her kittens in order to inherit his late does loves cats.

Taken Up: An elderly couple always planned on taking a vacation to an exotic place. Just when they are ready to finally take the trip, the man’s wife gets kidnapped and sold into human trafficking. With the help of a young boy in search of a merit badge and very particular set of skills, he attaches balloons to his house to go find her. He will find her.

The Other Toy Story: When a boy’s favorite toy gets jealous of his new toy, he sets off to slander, embarrass and destroy the new toy until the two find out the boy has been cheating on both of them with another toy. All three toys team up and take revenge on the boy by giving him laxatives, estrogen, and putting hair removal cream in his shampoo.

Bambi God: When a young deer loses his mother after she is shot by a hunter, he writes a letter to God asking him for the strength to carry on without her. When a con artist who is forced to work in the post office reads the letter, he sends the deer a lucky rabbit’s foot which in turn upsets the deer’s best friend.

 

Blockbuster Mash-Up Round 2

Some Like it Hot Fuzz: When a couple of male musicians join an all female police department in the countryside to escape the Chicago mob, all hell breaks loose when they do a better job than the other constables and uncover a secret society that protects their town at all costs.

The Rocky Horror Pitch Perfect Show: When an all female a cappella group from college gets stranded in a storm, they go to a creepy mansion to use the phone and find it inhabited by sweet transvestites from Transylvania. It turns out to be a lot like college.

Pretty Pocus: A hooker hides out with a millionaire who needs a date in order to escape the wrath of ancient witches brought back after she lit a candle. After a week she realizes that not kissing on the mouth does not make her a virgin and therefore the witches were never brought back.

Grosse Pointe Break: When an assassin returns home for his high school reunion and a job, he rekindles the romance he shared with his high school sweetheart and infiltrates a group of surfers who are robbing banks. All goes well until he stabs one of the surfers in the eye with a pen.

Six Days Seven Nights of the Living Dead: When a drunk pilot taking a woman back to the mainland crashes his plane on an island, the two must survive the wilderness, zombies, and each other. After being fed up with the woman’s incessant complaints, the pilot leaves her for the zombies and finds his own way off the island.

Blockbuster Mash-Up

Speed Trap: An estranged pair of twins must save a speeding bus from blowing up all while making the passengers of the bus (their parents included) think there is only one of them.

Frozen Rain: When Hollywood makes the transition from silent films to “talkies,” the executives quickly decide to have another woman do the voice over for their leading lady due to her ear-piercing voice and her odd ability to turn everything to ice. Eventually they let her go.

Dirty Park: While on vacation at a dinosaur theme park with her affluent family, a young woman falls for her dance instructor and they must face challenges of abortion, poisonous plants, and escaped dinosaurs. They learn the hard way that nobody should put baby velociraptors in the corner.

I am Mrs. Doubtfire: After a plague kills most of humanity, a comedian father must dress as a woman to continue seeing his children. He begins to think that he just enjoys dressing as a woman though since his entire family is dead and his only companion is a dog.

Sixth Sense in Seattle: A young boy who has the ability to see dead people tries to set up his widowed father by calling in to a radio station. Not being able to tell the dead suitors from the live suitors, he accidentally sets his father up with his late mother which ultimately drives his father mad until he jumps off the Empire State building.