Times they are a-changin’ and with that change, our speech could use a little upgrading. Here are some popular phrases that I would like to see replaced with some more current terminology, or at least made a little funnier.

“You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” → “You look as if you’ve seen a Kardashian without makeup.” So…scared…right…now.

“When it rains, it pours.” → “When you drop your tampon in the toilet, it’s always the last one.” Ladies, am I right? Gents, you can replace this with condom if you need to understand the pain felt by this loss.

“Like stealing candy from a baby.” → “Like taking an iPad from a baby.” I never understood this one anyway, that seems pretty hard.

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” → “Colder than Tituba’s tit.” Okay so this one may not be all that new to the times, but it would at least be fun to say.

“Take the high road.” → “Don’t be Anakin.” Just thought I would throw that one into the mix in honor of the new, hopefully better, Star Wars.