Someone Must Mourn the Wicked

Ever wonder how the obituaries would read for some of the world’s fictitious and most notorious villains? Here you go.

Lord Voldemort passed away May 2, 1998 after a long struggle. He was born Tom Marvolo Riddle on December 31, 1926. Growing up in an orphanage, many forgot his name and he quickly took on nicknames such as, “he-who-must-not-be-named” and “you-know-who.” He attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from 1938-1945 where he excelled and was a member of the Slug Club. He served as an assistant at Borgin and Burkes and then went on to become the leader of the Death Eaters. Among his many talents were reading minds, flying unsupported, and attacking defenseless children. He is predeceased by his entire family including his father, Tom Riddle Sr. and mother, Merope Gaunt. He is laid to rest by himself but donations in his memory can be made to the House of Slytherin.

Darth Vader passed in the comfort of his own home with his son by his side. Born in 41.9 BBY, Anakin Skywalker grew up in the hot desert of Tatooine. As a boy he loved pod racing and building droids. As the year’s went by, he became more machine than man and perfected his way with the Force. He was involved with many great projects including the building of the Death Star. He was a skilled pilot and well trained in the ways of lightsaber combat. He is predeceased by his mother, Shmi and wife, Padmé and survived by his children, Luke and Leia. Donations in his memory can be made to the Galactic Empire.

The Terminator known formally as Terminator T-800 Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 left the world in a crushing accident. With his perseverance and calm demeanor he was definitely someone you could rely on to get the job done. His loss is a great blow to society, but never fear, he’ll be back. He leaves behind his microchip and right arm. Donations can be made in his memory to Skynet.

Jack Torrance left the earthly world with his family running from his side. A writer and former school teacher, Torrance was a loving husband and devoted father, sometimes. He became a caretaker of a hotel in Colorado and proved he was a good listener and problem solver. In his spare time he enjoyed basketball, chopping wood, and trying to chop up his wife. He is survived by his wife Wendy and son, Danny. Donations can be made in his memory to the rebuilding of the Overlook Hotel.

Max Cady left the world with no fear. While life did not get off to a good start for this troubled soul, he worked to better himself while he served time for a crime he believed he did not commit. While away, he learned to read and developed strong feelings for the man who put him behind bars. Upon his release, he tried to make amends with that man and his family and died in the process. Donations in his memory can be made to Legal Aid.